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Letting Go

I don’t know why I can’t just let you go… I don’t think I’ll ever fully be able to.

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hazel

They’re not green…

But Hazel.

They are rare, so beautiful.

You would know if you had actually payed attention to her.

You left the breathtaking hazel eyed girl all alone, heartbroken.

You couldn’t handle her at her worst and slowly gave up because she was a dreamer and you only wanted things your way. You got lost and confused in her “green” eyes you thought she had, you let her go.

You didn’t know her as well as you thought you did. You should’ve known those little things about her that make her, her.

The girl with the hazel eyes is courageous and out-going. She’s selfless. She’s a risk taker. But has become scared of saying how she feels, because she doesn’t want to feel the way she felt months ago… she doesn’t want to feel the pain. You changed her view of love (from thinking it was something so beautiful that she didn’t have to worry about, to having trust issues, being afraid of someone tearing her apart like you did), the way you so easily thought her eyes were green.

They are hazel.

Her hazel eyes tell a story, her story.

A story of how when she loves someone, she is very trustworthy and cares so much. She is 100% there for you. But they also tell a story of how much it hurts her when people end up lying and leaving her. Looking into her eyes you can see right through her. You can tell whether she is sad when you see tears, and you can tell when she is happy when you see that spark in her eye.

Her eyes tell her story, tell the truth, tell her life. They hold tears of sadness and tears of joy for any given moment. They’ve been through a lot of heart breaks and painful experiences.

But no matter what has happened in her life, her hazel eyes still manage to shine so bright, like her wonderful personality that you chose to let go of.

You lost your chance and will never have it back.

Her hazel eyes won’t light up the way they used to when she see’s you.

Her hazel eyes don’t cry for help anymore.

She’s moved on, and doesn’t love you anymore.

too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

the last time

I remember the last time we actually spoke. Face to face. It had been a while since we had seen each other. We sat down, had some good laughs, tried catching up. It wasn’t the same as it used to be. We couldn’t say and do things we had done before. It was nice to see you, but it brought back a lot of memories. I realized who we were back then isn’t who we are now. So I had to go. I couldn’t stay even if I wanted to. I remember walking away, not being able to look at you because I was afraid if I did look into your eyes, I’d never want to leave and I’d try to say something I’d regret. I shut the door behind me and left. But I looked back. I looked back hoping you had opened the door to tell me to wait. But you weren’t there so I kept walking to my car until I drove away, thinking I should’ve at least hugged you… or even looked at you. If I had known it had been the last time, I would’ve done it all different. The last words I said were “goodbye.” Thing is, I didn’t really think it’d be the last time I’d see you because I thought things were going to change. But like always, things just got worse even when I tried to make them better. I’m not good at staying close to people. Yes, I care A LOT… but sometimes I overthink every situation, and think there’s always something wrong when things are actually going well. I wish I would’ve said something, done something, been honest. But instead I chose to stay quiet about how I felt. And that’s why that was the last time. The last time I saw you. The last time I said hello and goodbye…

why do we let go?

Sometimes we let go, not because we want to hurt someone, but because we don’t want to hurt ourselves. We let go out of self defense, just trying to protect ourselves from the pain that may come along when letting someone in. We let go and push away before even giving someone an actual chance for them to get to know the real us. Past experiences can be reasons why people may act like this. It’s because they are worried it may happen again and they don’t want to go through any more pain all over. It hurts. It hurts to be pushed away and not be wanted, so we do the same exact thing to people who try to get close to us the next time. We end up doing to them what we hated being done to us; we let go, back off, shut people out, without really thinking about how the other person may feel. Because in that moment we only think about ourself and our feelings. But what we don’t realize is that we end up becoming that person who hurts and pushes people away, not because we hate them, but because we are scared that any one that tries to actually care and get close, will hurt us again.

how can i forget when you always come back?

I tried to forget you but what you don’t know is that I think about you everyday. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. With you it’s all different, it’s something I’ve never been through. I’ve never cared about someone so much that it hurts. Thing is, you left… you said you couldn’t do this. You said that having me in your life sucked and that your life was perfect without me in it. And I thought, how can someone say that to someone you spend almost every day with? But also, how can someone just stop loving and caring about someone so easily?  It’s hard because I try to move on after what you said but then you come back. Somehow, you always do. Is it always going to be this way? Every time, I end up letting you back in like nothing ever happened, like you never even hurt me or pushed me away. I get blinded and always try to please you and make you happy, because all I want is to talk to you any chance I get. I fall for your smile, I fall for the things you say, I fall for every little thing about you… And thing is, I know that I shouldn’t go back to you, I know I’m better off without you, we were toxic to each other. But I miss having someone around me that cared as much as you did, so I guess you’re the closest thing and maybe the only one that can make me feel the way I used to feel again… with you and only you. No one compares to you. Someone could be doing and saying all the right things and I would still choose you because of everything we’ve been through and how much I care. I don’t care about what people think and I think that’s what also got in the way of us. We cared too much in the moment of what everyone else thought and said, that we took their opinions and made poor decisions based on what they thought was best for us. There are a lot of things I may regret but I will never regret you being in my life. I will regret the decisions I made that led to me losing you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me and maybe my worst too. I lost you even though I know you’re still around, because it isn’t the same as it used to be. I’m not your person anymore and you’re not mine, so I have to tell myself to stop hoping and move on. But how can I forget you when you always end up coming back when least expected?

lost chances

Have you ever lost something? Have you ever had the chance to be something, do something great, or be with someone, and then just throw it all away? You ever had the chance and then don’t take the risk, don’t try? And then when you think you’re ready, you’re chance is gone? You lost it and then you’re there alone asking yourself why you didn’t take the chance when you had it? You ever think how different your life could’ve been if you had done things differently or said how you felt in the moment? This happens a lot… people are scared to say how they feel, or are scared try to make something out of themselves because they are afraid of what people might think or scared that they won’t succeed. Then they realize a little too late and all they can do then is just look back at what could’ve been.

I’ve always been told to take chances, but I was too scared of what would happen if I did… So I lost my chance at being with someone who liked me for who I was. I went and messed it up. I let my emotions take over. I was too scared to let someone in. And now I’m sitting here regretting everything everyday, wishing I would’ve given us more time, an actual chance at making something work out. But I did what I always do. Make excuses for why it won’t work and push the people away that might actually really care about me. I hate that I do that. I wish I could just let myself feel things and be happy. I wish I could start over. I wish that person still felt something for me, because I still think about them. But I hurt them and I understand why they wouldn’t want to try again…

I guess this is what people would call a lost chance… I didn’t do anything when I had the chance. I was just a little too late.

why…?

why do i love someone who doesn’t care. why do i love someone who doesn’t love me back. why do i do things for people who don’t appreciate it. why do i try so hard for people that aren’t worth my time. why do i want you so bad. why did i love you. why do i still love you. why did i let myself get so close to you, when i knew there would be a possibility of losing you or that you’d hurt me. why did i put so much effort and time into you when i knew i had to go soon and that this wouldn’t last. why did i put the effort in when you didn’t. why did i let you use me and treat me the way you did. why did i fall for you. why did i fall for the things you said to me. why did i try so hard. why. why do i still try to talk to you when i know you want nothing to do with me. why do i fuck up so much. why did i fuck up. why did you leave, what made you leave. why was it so hard for you to be open with me and let your feelings out. why did you say you were done, and then come back, making me think you’d always come back but then you left for good. why do i still cry at night sometimes. why do i still think of you everyday. why can’t i get you off of my mind. why do i want you in my life when all you did was use me and hurt me. why did you say you loved me and why did you say you cared when you clearly didn’t. why did you say you needed me in your life when i see you happy as ever without me now. why. why didn’t you trust me. why didn’t you believe me when i said you were the best thing that had ever happened to me and that i’d never replace you. why did we kiss. why did you get upset when i said the kiss didn’t mean anything, but then you said it just happened and that it didn’t mean anything when i asked you months later. why did you push me away, i knew you better than anyone else did. why did you stop needing me. why did you let go. why did i not try harder. why wasn’t i enough. why do you make me feel like i can’t breathe. why do i still feel the pain after months of being apart. why can’t this just go away now. why does it still hurt so much. why can’t you be here to make everything good again. why can’t we work this out. why can’t you give us another shot. why can’t you see how much i care, how much i still love you and want you in my life, even after everything that has happened. why can’t we just forget the past. why can’t we just start all over. why.

?

one day it won’t hurt anymore

Somebody once told me, “I’ve gotten to the point where I remember but doesn’t hurt anymore.”

I want get to the point where it doesn’t hurt anymore. To the point where hearing your name won’t remind me of us… of all the memories… of all the bad times we had, and that it won’t give me this pain anymore. I want to be able to stop blaming myself for things I didn’t do wrong, but felt like it was all my fault at the time. I don’t want to forget you, but I want to get rid of this sick feeling that comes along when I think of you. I want to be able to hear your name or see you, and not get sad and not hate myself for everything that happened. It’s not easy, it hasn’t been easy at all. There are times where I do think it’s getting better, but it’s because I’m distracted from the the thought of you. I force my mind to tell myself I am okay and that I don’t care, hoping I won’t feel this way anymore, but it just won’t go away. I want to get to the point where I’ll hear your name and I’ll just think of you as a lesson. A lesson to be careful, to make sure I don’t put so much effort in to someone who doesn’t deserve it, a lesson to not let myself fall for everything everyone says, to protect myself from getting hurt, and  a lesson to not get too close too soon. I hope day by day, the pain will slowly just go away. I cared, I loved, I let myself be vulnerable around you, and that is why this hurts so much more. But I’m okay, at least I know I will be, because I realized I don’t need you, you weren’t good for me and that you didn’t deserve everything I did for you.

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