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Regret.

too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

the last time

I remember the last time we actually spoke. Face to face. It had been a while since we had seen each other. We sat down, had some good laughs, tried catching up. It wasn’t the same as it used to be. We couldn’t say and do things we had done before. It was nice to see you, but it brought back a lot of memories. I realized who we were back then isn’t who we are now. So I had to go. I couldn’t stay even if I wanted to. I remember walking away, not being able to look at you because I was afraid if I did look into your eyes, I’d never want to leave and I’d try to say something I’d regret. I shut the door behind me and left. But I looked back. I looked back hoping you had opened the door to tell me to wait. But you weren’t there so I kept walking to my car until I drove away, thinking I should’ve at least hugged you… or even looked at you. If I had known it had been the last time, I would’ve done it all different. The last words I said were “goodbye.” Thing is, I didn’t really think it’d be the last time I’d see you because I thought things were going to change. But like always, things just got worse even when I tried to make them better. I’m not good at staying close to people. Yes, I care A LOT… but sometimes I overthink every situation, and think there’s always something wrong when things are actually going well. I wish I would’ve said something, done something, been honest. But instead I chose to stay quiet about how I felt. And that’s why that was the last time. The last time I saw you. The last time I said hello and goodbye…

how can i forget when you always come back?

I tried to forget you but what you don’t know is that I think about you everyday. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. With you it’s all different, it’s something I’ve never been through. I’ve never cared about someone so much that it hurts. Thing is, you left… you said you couldn’t do this. You said that having me in your life sucked and that your life was perfect without me in it. And I thought, how can someone say that to someone you spend almost every day with? But also, how can someone just stop loving and caring about someone so easily?  It’s hard because I try to move on after what you said but then you come back. Somehow, you always do. Is it always going to be this way? Every time, I end up letting you back in like nothing ever happened, like you never even hurt me or pushed me away. I get blinded and always try to please you and make you happy, because all I want is to talk to you any chance I get. I fall for your smile, I fall for the things you say, I fall for every little thing about you… And thing is, I know that I shouldn’t go back to you, I know I’m better off without you, we were toxic to each other. But I miss having someone around me that cared as much as you did, so I guess you’re the closest thing and maybe the only one that can make me feel the way I used to feel again… with you and only you. No one compares to you. Someone could be doing and saying all the right things and I would still choose you because of everything we’ve been through and how much I care. I don’t care about what people think and I think that’s what also got in the way of us. We cared too much in the moment of what everyone else thought and said, that we took their opinions and made poor decisions based on what they thought was best for us. There are a lot of things I may regret but I will never regret you being in my life. I will regret the decisions I made that led to me losing you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me and maybe my worst too. I lost you even though I know you’re still around, because it isn’t the same as it used to be. I’m not your person anymore and you’re not mine, so I have to tell myself to stop hoping and move on. But how can I forget you when you always end up coming back when least expected?

lost chances

Have you ever lost something? Have you ever had the chance to be something, do something great, or be with someone, and then just throw it all away? You ever had the chance and then don’t take the risk, don’t try? And then when you think you’re ready, you’re chance is gone? You lost it and then you’re there alone asking yourself why you didn’t take the chance when you had it? You ever think how different your life could’ve been if you had done things differently or said how you felt in the moment? This happens a lot… people are scared to say how they feel, or are scared try to make something out of themselves because they are afraid of what people might think or scared that they won’t succeed. Then they realize a little too late and all they can do then is just look back at what could’ve been.

I’ve always been told to take chances, but I was too scared of what would happen if I did… So I lost my chance at being with someone who liked me for who I was. I went and messed it up. I let my emotions take over. I was too scared to let someone in. And now I’m sitting here regretting everything everyday, wishing I would’ve given us more time, an actual chance at making something work out. But I did what I always do. Make excuses for why it won’t work and push the people away that might actually really care about me. I hate that I do that. I wish I could just let myself feel things and be happy. I wish I could start over. I wish that person still felt something for me, because I still think about them. But I hurt them and I understand why they wouldn’t want to try again…

I guess this is what people would call a lost chance… I didn’t do anything when I had the chance. I was just a little too late.

liking someone

I know how it feels. To like someone, but even more to like someone who likes someone else. You can’t do much about it if they don’t feel the same. Your heart feels broken and then you start thinking to yourself, “why am I not good enough? what do I have to do to be noticed? why can’t they just like me back?” You end up just standing around, waiting. You act like friends, but deep down inside you wish that person knew how you felt. But you don’t want to say anything because you care about them so much and just want them to be happy. You don’t want to be a second choice, you don’t want to make things awkward, you don’t want to be turned down, you don’t want to hear the truth from that person even though you already know, and you don’t want to mess anything up between each other. But don’t you ever think about what could happen if you told that special someone how you felt about them, whether or not there is someone else involved? Do you ever think about how different your life could change by saying three simple but meaningful words, eight letters… “I like you,” maybe even “I love you?” People miss out on their chance and regret it after it’s too late to do anything about it, because people change and feelings fade. That’s just how life is. But sometimes you should take a risk, because why wait? You might end up waiting forever. It’s hard to hide your feelings about someone who makes you feel so many different ways and them not even knowing. Time doesn’t stop, so take a chance, take a risk, and let yourself feel the good, the bad, everything.

why…?

why do i love someone who doesn’t care. why do i love someone who doesn’t love me back. why do i do things for people who don’t appreciate it. why do i try so hard for people that aren’t worth my time. why do i want you so bad. why did i love you. why do i still love you. why did i let myself get so close to you, when i knew there would be a possibility of losing you or that you’d hurt me. why did i put so much effort and time into you when i knew i had to go soon and that this wouldn’t last. why did i put the effort in when you didn’t. why did i let you use me and treat me the way you did. why did i fall for you. why did i fall for the things you said to me. why did i try so hard. why. why do i still try to talk to you when i know you want nothing to do with me. why do i fuck up so much. why did i fuck up. why did you leave, what made you leave. why was it so hard for you to be open with me and let your feelings out. why did you say you were done, and then come back, making me think you’d always come back but then you left for good. why do i still cry at night sometimes. why do i still think of you everyday. why can’t i get you off of my mind. why do i want you in my life when all you did was use me and hurt me. why did you say you loved me and why did you say you cared when you clearly didn’t. why did you say you needed me in your life when i see you happy as ever without me now. why. why didn’t you trust me. why didn’t you believe me when i said you were the best thing that had ever happened to me and that i’d never replace you. why did we kiss. why did you get upset when i said the kiss didn’t mean anything, but then you said it just happened and that it didn’t mean anything when i asked you months later. why did you push me away, i knew you better than anyone else did. why did you stop needing me. why did you let go. why did i not try harder. why wasn’t i enough. why do you make me feel like i can’t breathe. why do i still feel the pain after months of being apart. why can’t this just go away now. why does it still hurt so much. why can’t you be here to make everything good again. why can’t we work this out. why can’t you give us another shot. why can’t you see how much i care, how much i still love you and want you in my life, even after everything that has happened. why can’t we just forget the past. why can’t we just start all over. why.

?

should’ve…

I should’ve not let you go. I should’ve not let you let me go. I should’ve said something to make you stay. I tried, but I should’ve tried harder. It all meant so much to me. You meant, mean*  so much to me. I hate that I want to talk to you, but remember that we don’t talk anymore. I hate that I want to see you and make things go back to the way they used to be. But I know I can’t. I should’ve not given up, when I still think about you every single day. I should’ve said I love you more, maybe it would’ve made a difference. I should’ve been more honest. I should’ve cared more, if that’s even possible because I felt I gave you all I had. I should’ve held on… held on and never should’ve let go, no matter what. I should’ve done something… better than doing nothing. I should’ve told you exactly how you make me feel… that I love you. I should’ve told you every time you asked me. But instead I froze and didn’t say a word. I think about how things would be if I had said something. Maybe things would’ve turned out different… maybe for the better. I know I should’ve told you. I should’ve… but I didn’t.

her.

f41511aa-d683-473b-9fad-c25911c3ecf4she’s moved on. she’s happy. of course you want her happy. but you hate that she’s happy with someone else that isn’t you. it hurts, hurts like hell. you think about her all the time. you try to move on, but it isn’t the same. you want her back. you miss her and she knows it… she doesn’t mean to hurt you, but she is and it’s killing you inside. you want to see her and be with her and do all of the things you used to do with her. you say it’s different with her and no one makes you feel the way she made you feel. some would say you’re lucky to have been able to feel that much happiness with someone you loved… and still love. but of course because you were so happy, the pain hit you harder than ever because you fell so hard for her. it’s a big change going from being with the one you love everyday talking, laughing, hugging, holding hands and laying together, to not seeing her anymore and not being able to do anything about it because she’s moved on. you wonder if she thinks about you. how could she not? just because she’s moved on doesn’t mean she’s forgotten everything. but you wish you could move on and not think about her, like she did so easily. you wish she wasn’t so amazing so you could just forget her. but you can’t forget. and you don’t want to forget all of the feelings she made you feel. you never knew you could even feel this much, and now you miss it all. you can’t force someone to be with you as much as you’d want to. you can’t change how someone feels about you. and it’s hard to stop feeling for someone. you love her and maybe you’ll always love her. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to live your life and try to be happy too. it takes time, it’s not easy, but one day you’ll wake up and you won’t feel as hurt, you won’t be as sad anymore, and you’ll realize things happen for a reason. you won’t forget everything you went through, you’ll always remember. but it won’t hurt as much to remember all of the memories as time passes… in the end it is her loss, because she lost someone who fell in love with every single little thing about her, she lost a person who would do anything and everything for her, and she lost someone who cared and loved her more than anyone has ever loved her. she lost you. she was the lucky one.

bestfriend… i miss you

I just want to talk to you. Like old times… I see you and I think about how it all came to this; not talking and ignoring each other when we know every little thing about each other. Well… “knew” every little thing about each other. Now I have no idea what goes through your head, what you like, and who you surround yourself with now. It’s hard to see you and not be able to say hi. I hate it. I hate the feeling it gives me, making me nervous and sick to my stomach just wanting to disappear. But when I don’t see you, I miss you. I miss how close we used to be. Being with each other every day, pretty much talking 24/7. I miss how much you needed me. Texting and calling when you couldn’t sleep, driving home from basketball games together, doing little things together that meant the world to me. I didn’t care what we did when we hung out as long as I was with you… my bestfriend.

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