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thoughts, feelings, emotions

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Missing something or someone

I miss it all.

I miss your face.

I miss your lips.

I miss your voice.

I miss your eyes.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your hands.

I miss you close to me.

I miss you holding me.

I miss you calling me.

I miss you being there.

I miss days with you.

I miss nights with you.

I miss you.

I miss everything about you.

Every single thing.

Every single moment.

Every laugh, every cry, every single word you said.

I miss it all.

 

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tragedy of living

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The tragedy of living is when people that once were as soft as water become they coldest people because they have been shown coldness, anger, pain, betrayal, and heartbreak. They weren’t shown love or affection. Some grown up with no support and have to learn to grow up independently, not relying on anyone. Some people are scared they will get hurt over and over if they let someone in, so they simply stay as far away as possible and shut people out, to prevent themselves from breaking into even smaller pieces. They become the person that they hated for hurting them or never even being there in the first place, and they hate it… but that’s the tragedy of living.

too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

irreplaceable 

i promised i’d never replace you…

it’s been three years and i’m still here 

keeping my promise, waiting

waiting, because i don’t want anyone else

you’re irreplaceable to me
no one else can make me feel the way you did

and i don’t want anyone else to ever make me feel that way

it’s been three years

and i still don’t want anyone else, i never will

it’ll always be you that i’ll need

it’ll always be you that i’ll wait for

you’re irreplaceable to me

i’ll always just want you. 

only you

i miss you

i need you

i want you

i love you

you and only you

how can i forget when you always come back?

I tried to forget you but what you don’t know is that I think about you everyday. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. With you it’s all different, it’s something I’ve never been through. I’ve never cared about someone so much that it hurts. Thing is, you left… you said you couldn’t do this. You said that having me in your life sucked and that your life was perfect without me in it. And I thought, how can someone say that to someone you spend almost every day with? But also, how can someone just stop loving and caring about someone so easily?  It’s hard because I try to move on after what you said but then you come back. Somehow, you always do. Is it always going to be this way? Every time, I end up letting you back in like nothing ever happened, like you never even hurt me or pushed me away. I get blinded and always try to please you and make you happy, because all I want is to talk to you any chance I get. I fall for your smile, I fall for the things you say, I fall for every little thing about you… And thing is, I know that I shouldn’t go back to you, I know I’m better off without you, we were toxic to each other. But I miss having someone around me that cared as much as you did, so I guess you’re the closest thing and maybe the only one that can make me feel the way I used to feel again… with you and only you. No one compares to you. Someone could be doing and saying all the right things and I would still choose you because of everything we’ve been through and how much I care. I don’t care about what people think and I think that’s what also got in the way of us. We cared too much in the moment of what everyone else thought and said, that we took their opinions and made poor decisions based on what they thought was best for us. There are a lot of things I may regret but I will never regret you being in my life. I will regret the decisions I made that led to me losing you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me and maybe my worst too. I lost you even though I know you’re still around, because it isn’t the same as it used to be. I’m not your person anymore and you’re not mine, so I have to tell myself to stop hoping and move on. But how can I forget you when you always end up coming back when least expected?

why…?

why do i love someone who doesn’t care. why do i love someone who doesn’t love me back. why do i do things for people who don’t appreciate it. why do i try so hard for people that aren’t worth my time. why do i want you so bad. why did i love you. why do i still love you. why did i let myself get so close to you, when i knew there would be a possibility of losing you or that you’d hurt me. why did i put so much effort and time into you when i knew i had to go soon and that this wouldn’t last. why did i put the effort in when you didn’t. why did i let you use me and treat me the way you did. why did i fall for you. why did i fall for the things you said to me. why did i try so hard. why. why do i still try to talk to you when i know you want nothing to do with me. why do i fuck up so much. why did i fuck up. why did you leave, what made you leave. why was it so hard for you to be open with me and let your feelings out. why did you say you were done, and then come back, making me think you’d always come back but then you left for good. why do i still cry at night sometimes. why do i still think of you everyday. why can’t i get you off of my mind. why do i want you in my life when all you did was use me and hurt me. why did you say you loved me and why did you say you cared when you clearly didn’t. why did you say you needed me in your life when i see you happy as ever without me now. why. why didn’t you trust me. why didn’t you believe me when i said you were the best thing that had ever happened to me and that i’d never replace you. why did we kiss. why did you get upset when i said the kiss didn’t mean anything, but then you said it just happened and that it didn’t mean anything when i asked you months later. why did you push me away, i knew you better than anyone else did. why did you stop needing me. why did you let go. why did i not try harder. why wasn’t i enough. why do you make me feel like i can’t breathe. why do i still feel the pain after months of being apart. why can’t this just go away now. why does it still hurt so much. why can’t you be here to make everything good again. why can’t we work this out. why can’t you give us another shot. why can’t you see how much i care, how much i still love you and want you in my life, even after everything that has happened. why can’t we just forget the past. why can’t we just start all over. why.

?

miss the old me

“I miss who I was a year ago.” Things change. People change. You may miss it but you may not always be able to go back. We are made to change as life keeps going. We are meant to keep learning as we grow. Learning from experience, learning from mistakes, learning from others who may know better. You may be nostalgic about the past and it’s okay, but the past is in the past. As much as we may want to be who we used to be, it won’t be the same because we’ll be surrounded by different people in different stages of our lives, who will make us realize new things about ourselves. It’s okay to miss our old self and the memories and people that come along with it, but that doesn’t mean we need to be that person again. Change is supposed to happen in life. Change is good. 

told you a little too late

last night i told you i missed you… out of the blue and unexpected. i apologized for missing you and you said, “don’t be sorry.” last night i told you i hated myself for fucking everything up between us and you said, “don’t hate yourself.” you said “it’s fine just get some rest…” but we both know nothing is fine. you always say that when you don’t want to talk, and i know that because even if we haven’t talked in a while, sometimes i still know you better than you know yourself. last night i told you i loved you. i love you. it’s so hard to explain the way i feel. but i know i love you and need you. with you i felt a type of way i had never felt before. but when i said i loved you, you said nothing. i expected it, i saw it coming. no response like usual when it comes to “emotional” situations like that. i guess i had to try right? i love you, and i guess i just wonder if you still love me, even if you can’t say it or show it anymore. i wonder if the words i say, mean anything to you.

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