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Time-Distance

this time around

I’m not expecting much this time around.

I know things aren’t going to be how they used to.

But at least we’re talking again…

It feels good, but I know not to get my hopes up anymore.

A small part of me wishes we could jump right back to how we were.

But in a way I’m happy seeing each other once in a while.

I don’t want us to get tired of each other.

I don’t want us to fight.

I don’t want you to get tired of me again and push me away.

I’m keeping my space this time, and not trying too hard.

I’m going to let you come to me first, instead of me come to you.

I’m going to go with the flow and be happy when I see you.

I know it’s different this time. But that’s okay with me.

As long as I get to talk to you again.

That’s all I care about.

That’s enough for me.

 

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too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

irreplaceable 

i promised i’d never replace you…

it’s been three years and i’m still here 

keeping my promise, waiting

waiting, because i don’t want anyone else

you’re irreplaceable to me
no one else can make me feel the way you did

and i don’t want anyone else to ever make me feel that way

it’s been three years

and i still don’t want anyone else, i never will

it’ll always be you that i’ll need

it’ll always be you that i’ll wait for

you’re irreplaceable to me

i’ll always just want you. 

the last time

I remember the last time we actually spoke. Face to face. It had been a while since we had seen each other. We sat down, had some good laughs, tried catching up. It wasn’t the same as it used to be. We couldn’t say and do things we had done before. It was nice to see you, but it brought back a lot of memories. I realized who we were back then isn’t who we are now. So I had to go. I couldn’t stay even if I wanted to. I remember walking away, not being able to look at you because I was afraid if I did look into your eyes, I’d never want to leave and I’d try to say something I’d regret. I shut the door behind me and left. But I looked back. I looked back hoping you had opened the door to tell me to wait. But you weren’t there so I kept walking to my car until I drove away, thinking I should’ve at least hugged you… or even looked at you. If I had known it had been the last time, I would’ve done it all different. The last words I said were “goodbye.” Thing is, I didn’t really think it’d be the last time I’d see you because I thought things were going to change. But like always, things just got worse even when I tried to make them better. I’m not good at staying close to people. Yes, I care A LOT… but sometimes I overthink every situation, and think there’s always something wrong when things are actually going well. I wish I would’ve said something, done something, been honest. But instead I chose to stay quiet about how I felt. And that’s why that was the last time. The last time I saw you. The last time I said hello and goodbye…

why do we let go?

Sometimes we let go, not because we want to hurt someone, but because we don’t want to hurt ourselves. We let go out of self defense, just trying to protect ourselves from the pain that may come along when letting someone in. We let go and push away before even giving someone an actual chance for them to get to know the real us. Past experiences can be reasons why people may act like this. It’s because they are worried it may happen again and they don’t want to go through any more pain all over. It hurts. It hurts to be pushed away and not be wanted, so we do the same exact thing to people who try to get close to us the next time. We end up doing to them what we hated being done to us; we let go, back off, shut people out, without really thinking about how the other person may feel. Because in that moment we only think about ourself and our feelings. But what we don’t realize is that we end up becoming that person who hurts and pushes people away, not because we hate them, but because we are scared that any one that tries to actually care and get close, will hurt us again.

time

we just needed time. i’m not saying it’s back to how it used to be, and maybe it will never be that way again between us, but that’s okay. we aren’t the same people we used to be. we’ve both grown up and changed throughout these years. things happen for a reason and maybe this was supposed to happen. maybe we were both supposed to realize that it’s different but that we could still talk… you know that we didn’t have to ignore each other for the rest of our lives. i feel like i’m finally at peace. i feel like i’m in a state of relaxation and no worries. i can breathe again. it’s not perfect and maybe it will never be, but we needed this time apart to see if we could ever be okay again. we aren’t the same caring, over protective people we used to be, and we’ve learned and are probably still learning from our mistakes. it’s okay to change but it’s also okay to always be able to go back and talk to each other. i know i’ll always care no matter what and that even if it means waiting a month or even a year, it’ll be worth it.

why now?

2 days, 2 months, 2 years? Same shit… you just think you could invite me over just because you thought I’d like to see you and then when I’m gone act like it didn’t happen and not talk. “It’s only been two days,” is what you say. But why does it still feel like it’s been 6 months since we’ve seen each other. After all these months of not talking you finally decide to invite me over “if I want.” For what? Because you feel bad? Because you think since I saw you, that I’ll be happy and stop asking to see you? Because you miss me, but can’t admit it? For what? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why try to act like you care and invite me in, act like it’s normal, like old times, and have a few laughs, if it doesn’t mean shit, if I don’t mean shit to you… Was it to be reminded of why it didn’t work out between us the first time, or to get some old feelings back for a day and then make yourself forget everything? Were you feeling lonely? Because it seems like the only time you reach out to me is when you’re alone, sick, or have no one else to talk to… making me your last choice, wanting me to make you feel better about yourself. There’s never an actual answer with you. Everyone always has to guess how you’re feeling. Why do this to someone who gives so much effort only for you to just confuse and make them want to be in your life more. Why me? Why now?

see you again

i never would’ve thought that i’d ever get the chance to see you again. i mean i had a little bit of hope left, but a lot of time had passed since we had spoken and actually had an actual conversation, so i just didn’t see my chance coming at all.

thing is, now that i do have a chance and a new year, i don’t know what i’ll say to you and what you’ll say to me. i don’t want to mess it up this time because i still care as much as i did these past two years. i waited and waited, but not for nothing because i know i’ll get to see you.

i know things wont go back to how they were, but i hope we laugh a little and start to patch up a few things from the past, move on from it all and start over. i know it wont be easy, it never was, but it’s all worth it tome. you’re worth it to me.

forever waiting

I’m still waiting for the impossible to happen. I’m still waiting for the phone to ring, and for it to be your name that pops up, asking to see me. I’m still waiting for the day that I’ll be able to hear your voice again. I’m still waiting for you to say you miss me. I’m still waiting, waiting for you… the impossible.

I tried letting go of you but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t. Maybe it’s because if I let go, it’ll be as if nothing had ever happened between us, as if we had never even met in the first place. I hate myself for waiting around, thinking that if you ever come back, everything will be how it used to, because I know it can’t and it wouldn’t be that way.

I’m scared that if I move on and let you go, that I’ll forget little things about you and moments we had. I don’t want to forget, even if you are not in my life anymore. And I feel like I’m already forgetting as each day that I’m not with you passes. You’re so close, but so far, which makes everything much harder, because how could I just drop all of my feelings, knowing that there will always be a possibility of seeing you or hearing about you from other people. I try to block you out, but I hate not knowing what’s going on in your head and in your life. I hate not being that person to you anymore… the one you always needed, the one you could always talk to and trust.

I’m still waiting to see if this is just a phase we are both going through in order to find ourselves and what’s best for us. But ever since you moved on, I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you. You’re what’s best for me, even if it isn’t always easy between us. I’m happy when I’m with you, and I miss being happy, happy with you. So I’ll wait and wait for you, forever for the impossible.

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