thoughts, feelings, emotions



too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.


lost chances

Have you ever lost something? Have you ever had the chance to be something, do something great, or be with someone, and then just throw it all away? You ever had the chance and then don’t take the risk, don’t try? And then when you think you’re ready, you’re chance is gone? You lost it and then you’re there alone asking yourself why you didn’t take the chance when you had it? You ever think how different your life could’ve been if you had done things differently or said how you felt in the moment? This happens a lot… people are scared to say how they feel, or are scared try to make something out of themselves because they are afraid of what people might think or scared that they won’t succeed. Then they realize a little too late and all they can do then is just look back at what could’ve been.

I’ve always been told to take chances, but I was too scared of what would happen if I did… So I lost my chance at being with someone who liked me for who I was. I went and messed it up. I let my emotions take over. I was too scared to let someone in. And now I’m sitting here regretting everything everyday, wishing I would’ve given us more time, an actual chance at making something work out. But I did what I always do. Make excuses for why it won’t work and push the people away that might actually really care about me. I hate that I do that. I wish I could just let myself feel things and be happy. I wish I could start over. I wish that person still felt something for me, because I still think about them. But I hurt them and I understand why they wouldn’t want to try again…

I guess this is what people would call a lost chance… I didn’t do anything when I had the chance. I was just a little too late.

liking someone

I know how it feels. To like someone, but even more to like someone who likes someone else. You can’t do much about it if they don’t feel the same. Your heart feels broken and then you start thinking to yourself, “why am I not good enough? what do I have to do to be noticed? why can’t they just like me back?” You end up just standing around, waiting. You act like friends, but deep down inside you wish that person knew how you felt. But you don’t want to say anything because you care about them so much and just want them to be happy. You don’t want to be a second choice, you don’t want to make things awkward, you don’t want to be turned down, you don’t want to hear the truth from that person even though you already know, and you don’t want to mess anything up between each other. But don’t you ever think about what could happen if you told that special someone how you felt about them, whether or not there is someone else involved? Do you ever think about how different your life could change by saying three simple but meaningful words, eight letters… “I like you,” maybe even “I love you?” People miss out on their chance and regret it after it’s too late to do anything about it, because people change and feelings fade. That’s just how life is. But sometimes you should take a risk, because why wait? You might end up waiting forever. It’s hard to hide your feelings about someone who makes you feel so many different ways and them not even knowing. Time doesn’t stop, so take a chance, take a risk, and let yourself feel the good, the bad, everything.


why do i love someone who doesn’t care. why do i love someone who doesn’t love me back. why do i do things for people who don’t appreciate it. why do i try so hard for people that aren’t worth my time. why do i want you so bad. why did i love you. why do i still love you. why did i let myself get so close to you, when i knew there would be a possibility of losing you or that you’d hurt me. why did i put so much effort and time into you when i knew i had to go soon and that this wouldn’t last. why did i put the effort in when you didn’t. why did i let you use me and treat me the way you did. why did i fall for you. why did i fall for the things you said to me. why did i try so hard. why. why do i still try to talk to you when i know you want nothing to do with me. why do i fuck up so much. why did i fuck up. why did you leave, what made you leave. why was it so hard for you to be open with me and let your feelings out. why did you say you were done, and then come back, making me think you’d always come back but then you left for good. why do i still cry at night sometimes. why do i still think of you everyday. why can’t i get you off of my mind. why do i want you in my life when all you did was use me and hurt me. why did you say you loved me and why did you say you cared when you clearly didn’t. why did you say you needed me in your life when i see you happy as ever without me now. why. why didn’t you trust me. why didn’t you believe me when i said you were the best thing that had ever happened to me and that i’d never replace you. why did we kiss. why did you get upset when i said the kiss didn’t mean anything, but then you said it just happened and that it didn’t mean anything when i asked you months later. why did you push me away, i knew you better than anyone else did. why did you stop needing me. why did you let go. why did i not try harder. why wasn’t i enough. why do you make me feel like i can’t breathe. why do i still feel the pain after months of being apart. why can’t this just go away now. why does it still hurt so much. why can’t you be here to make everything good again. why can’t we work this out. why can’t you give us another shot. why can’t you see how much i care, how much i still love you and want you in my life, even after everything that has happened. why can’t we just forget the past. why can’t we just start all over. why.


all the things i wish i could say to you

You left when we were little. You left us because you said you were done. You couldn’t handle it… the responsibility. You left us with no understanding of why you had gone. I know you care, but for many years it didn’t seem like it, because if you had cared enough, you wouldn’t have left in the first place. You left me, you left us heart broken and lost. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t know what this had meant. All because you didn’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to say I hate you, but it’s real close to it. You’re my dad I’ll always love you, but not the way you chose to live your life. My brother doesn’t know what really happened. He loves you so much, but if only he knew the truth, if only he could see what you’re doing, how you’re living and understand it’s not okay. You say I don’t care, and maybe it’s true. I don’t care about you as much as I used to. I used to be sad because you are my dad and I didn’t want to live without you. But now I’m all grown up and I don’t need you as much. But my brother needs you, but if you do what you wanna do, then you may lose your chance and he may lose the chance of seeing you. You hurt us all and sometimes I wish this had never happened. It’s been 9 years, but it still feels like a day ago, when I saw you leave me, leave mom, leave him. Maybe it was for the best because I wanted mom to be happy and all you did was cause problems. You still do. But you should stop. I wish you really knew how I felt, but I always have to pretend because I would never want to hurt your feelings, like you’ve hurt mine. But I hate who you’ve become, and when I see you, I don’t feel like I’m with my dad, I feel like you’re a stranger… someone I should leave in my past.


i feel so happy right now. a way i haven’t felt in a very long time. i don’t know how to explain it. it’s like a funny feeling inside of me. i don’t want this feeling to go away. i don’t want him to go away. since he came into my life, everything has been a little easier. i laugh a little more, smile a little more, and i’ve learned to let people in a little more. i don’t want to be scared and i don’t want to push him away. i feel ready to let someone in and know everything about me, good and bad. i’m ready to let myself be happy and trust again and feel things i wanna feel.

let you in

I’m letting you in. I’m trying. I have to do this. I have to let myself be happy again. Yes, I’m scared because I’ve been through this and I’ve been torn apart by people who said they cared. But I know not everyone is like that. I have to give myself and give you a chance. I need to accept and allow myself to feel, allow myself to trust, allow myself to love, and just allow something good to come into my life and just happen.

her pt. 2

don’t worry about her. it’s not your place anymore. let her be. let her do what she wants, because she’s no longer yours and you made the decision to move on so soon and be with someone else. worry about that person. but don’t come into her life and tell her to think about you before she does things, because she shouldn’t have to. she isn’t yours for you to decide what she can and cannot do with her life. yea she thinks about you, but not because she’s worried about what you’ll think of her or what she’s doing to make sure you don’t get mad, but she thinks about you because she simply cares and misses you, even while you’re off with someone else who isn’t worth your time, when you could have HER. don’t you see it? i hope one day you realize that you missed your chance to try again, to love again, and be happy with HER again. her. the one you once loved and maybe still do love, the one who you thought you’d be with forever, the one that made you feel complete and alive. she’s waiting and would drop anything to be with you again. that’s when you know she should be the one, when she puts you and only you above everything else and waits and cares even when you’re not together anymore. she still wants you. she is the one and maybe will forever be the one but you’re too caught up in everything else to realize it. the heartbroken girl needs you and only you to make her happy. because even when she’s surrounded by groups of people, you’re the only one on her mind, the only one she wants to be with to make that moment mean something. you are her happiness. you are and maybe will forever be her everything.

see you again

i never would’ve thought that i’d ever get the chance to see you again. i mean i had a little bit of hope left, but a lot of time had passed since we had spoken and actually had an actual conversation, so i just didn’t see my chance coming at all.

thing is, now that i do have a chance and a new year, i don’t know what i’ll say to you and what you’ll say to me. i don’t want to mess it up this time because i still care as much as i did these past two years. i waited and waited, but not for nothing because i know i’ll get to see you.

i know things wont go back to how they were, but i hope we laugh a little and start to patch up a few things from the past, move on from it all and start over. i know it wont be easy, it never was, but it’s all worth it tome. you’re worth it to me.

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