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Moving On

too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

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miss the old me

“I miss who I was a year ago.” Things change. People change. You may miss it but you may not always be able to go back. We are made to change as life keeps going. We are meant to keep learning as we grow. Learning from experience, learning from mistakes, learning from others who may know better. You may be nostalgic about the past and it’s okay, but the past is in the past. As much as we may want to be who we used to be, it won’t be the same because we’ll be surrounded by different people in different stages of our lives, who will make us realize new things about ourselves. It’s okay to miss our old self and the memories and people that come along with it, but that doesn’t mean we need to be that person again. Change is supposed to happen in life. Change is good. 

her pt. 2

don’t worry about her. it’s not your place anymore. let her be. let her do what she wants, because she’s no longer yours and you made the decision to move on so soon and be with someone else. worry about that person. but don’t come into her life and tell her to think about you before she does things, because she shouldn’t have to. she isn’t yours for you to decide what she can and cannot do with her life. yea she thinks about you, but not because she’s worried about what you’ll think of her or what she’s doing to make sure you don’t get mad, but she thinks about you because she simply cares and misses you, even while you’re off with someone else who isn’t worth your time, when you could have HER. don’t you see it? i hope one day you realize that you missed your chance to try again, to love again, and be happy with HER again. her. the one you once loved and maybe still do love, the one who you thought you’d be with forever, the one that made you feel complete and alive. she’s waiting and would drop anything to be with you again. that’s when you know she should be the one, when she puts you and only you above everything else and waits and cares even when you’re not together anymore. she still wants you. she is the one and maybe will forever be the one but you’re too caught up in everything else to realize it. the heartbroken girl needs you and only you to make her happy. because even when she’s surrounded by groups of people, you’re the only one on her mind, the only one she wants to be with to make that moment mean something. you are her happiness. you are and maybe will forever be her everything.

see you again

i never would’ve thought that i’d ever get the chance to see you again. i mean i had a little bit of hope left, but a lot of time had passed since we had spoken and actually had an actual conversation, so i just didn’t see my chance coming at all.

thing is, now that i do have a chance and a new year, i don’t know what i’ll say to you and what you’ll say to me. i don’t want to mess it up this time because i still care as much as i did these past two years. i waited and waited, but not for nothing because i know i’ll get to see you.

i know things wont go back to how they were, but i hope we laugh a little and start to patch up a few things from the past, move on from it all and start over. i know it wont be easy, it never was, but it’s all worth it tome. you’re worth it to me.

forever waiting

I’m still waiting for the impossible to happen. I’m still waiting for the phone to ring, and for it to be your name that pops up, asking to see me. I’m still waiting for the day that I’ll be able to hear your voice again. I’m still waiting for you to say you miss me. I’m still waiting, waiting for you… the impossible.

I tried letting go of you but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t. Maybe it’s because if I let go, it’ll be as if nothing had ever happened between us, as if we had never even met in the first place. I hate myself for waiting around, thinking that if you ever come back, everything will be how it used to, because I know it can’t and it wouldn’t be that way.

I’m scared that if I move on and let you go, that I’ll forget little things about you and moments we had. I don’t want to forget, even if you are not in my life anymore. And I feel like I’m already forgetting as each day that I’m not with you passes. You’re so close, but so far, which makes everything much harder, because how could I just drop all of my feelings, knowing that there will always be a possibility of seeing you or hearing about you from other people. I try to block you out, but I hate not knowing what’s going on in your head and in your life. I hate not being that person to you anymore… the one you always needed, the one you could always talk to and trust.

I’m still waiting to see if this is just a phase we are both going through in order to find ourselves and what’s best for us. But ever since you moved on, I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you. You’re what’s best for me, even if it isn’t always easy between us. I’m happy when I’m with you, and I miss being happy, happy with you. So I’ll wait and wait for you, forever for the impossible.

her.

f41511aa-d683-473b-9fad-c25911c3ecf4she’s moved on. she’s happy. of course you want her happy. but you hate that she’s happy with someone else that isn’t you. it hurts, hurts like hell. you think about her all the time. you try to move on, but it isn’t the same. you want her back. you miss her and she knows it… she doesn’t mean to hurt you, but she is and it’s killing you inside. you want to see her and be with her and do all of the things you used to do with her. you say it’s different with her and no one makes you feel the way she made you feel. some would say you’re lucky to have been able to feel that much happiness with someone you loved… and still love. but of course because you were so happy, the pain hit you harder than ever because you fell so hard for her. it’s a big change going from being with the one you love everyday talking, laughing, hugging, holding hands and laying together, to not seeing her anymore and not being able to do anything about it because she’s moved on. you wonder if she thinks about you. how could she not? just because she’s moved on doesn’t mean she’s forgotten everything. but you wish you could move on and not think about her, like she did so easily. you wish she wasn’t so amazing so you could just forget her. but you can’t forget. and you don’t want to forget all of the feelings she made you feel. you never knew you could even feel this much, and now you miss it all. you can’t force someone to be with you as much as you’d want to. you can’t change how someone feels about you. and it’s hard to stop feeling for someone. you love her and maybe you’ll always love her. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to live your life and try to be happy too. it takes time, it’s not easy, but one day you’ll wake up and you won’t feel as hurt, you won’t be as sad anymore, and you’ll realize things happen for a reason. you won’t forget everything you went through, you’ll always remember. but it won’t hurt as much to remember all of the memories as time passes… in the end it is her loss, because she lost someone who fell in love with every single little thing about her, she lost a person who would do anything and everything for her, and she lost someone who cared and loved her more than anyone has ever loved her. she lost you. she was the lucky one.

drift apart

Do you ever get the feeling that you and your bestfriend are slowly drifting apart? You’re trying to do anything you can to act normal and not mess anything up. You don’t want to say what you’re feeling because you don’t want to make things worse, but it’s killing you inside seeing that the person that once always said they needed you, doesn’t need you anymore. All of the sudden, they’ve grown up, moved on, found new people, and have started a new chapter in their life, leaving you stuck in the past. It hurts to know that they’ve most likely forgotten about you. You love them and would do anything to keep them by your side because they know too much and you want them to be your person. They’ve let go and as much as you don’t want to let go, you have to. Because if you keep holding on to someone that isn’t there anymore and think about the memories too much, you’ll be stuck in the past and you’ll never be completely happy because you’ll always feel like you’re missing something or someone. These are things people have to accept. It’s hard to move on right away because you’re scared someone else might hurt you, but you shouldn’t shut people out who actually care to make an effort. You can’t live life scared because of one bad thing that broke you. It takes time to heal, and maybe you’ll aways remember that one bestfriend, but you know you’ve moved on once you don’t feel sad that they’re gone and know that you deserve better.

guilt

I hate taking people to places we’ve been. I admit, I’ve done it, thinking it’d help me forget you… forget everything. But it just brings the thought of you into my head even more. I reminisce about those moments, those places. But what I feel the most is, guilt. I feel like I’m breaking a promise that I never really made but feel obligated to keep. I feel guilty taking someone to places that were once ours. To me, places we’ve been and things we’ve done will always be ours. I don’t want to replace you, it’s what I always tell myself. It’s hard to find someone else, maybe because I don’t want anyone else, but I know I can’t keep waiting here for you to come back. I may feel guilt but why should I? Why should I feel guilt, when you don’t even care anymore. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I have to let go. I have to move on.

don’t forget

 

images-1Don’t forget. Just because you’re gone, just because you’ve moved on… doesn’t mean you can just forget. There’s too much to forget. Too many memories. I know I can’t forget. I think about all of the little things we used to do, every day since you left. Don’t forget the first time we met and how far we came from that day. Don’t forget the times you felt alone and I was there when no one else was. Don’t forget when we’d stay up talking on the phone. Don’t forget when you were sick and I’d come over to make sure you were okay and cheer you up. Don’t forget when we’d hug every time we saw each other. Don’t forget the time when you texted me saying you would miss me the most, more than anyone would miss me and that you didn’t like talking about it because it made it seem like it was all happening so soon. Don’t forget that I knew you better than you knew yourself. All of the things you liked and didn’t like. Don’t forget all of the times we’d just sit and do nothing; those were the best times, because just being with you was all I needed to be happy.

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