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this time around

I’m not expecting much this time around.

I know things aren’t going to be how they used to.

But at least we’re talking again…

It feels good, but I know not to get my hopes up anymore.

A small part of me wishes we could jump right back to how we were.

But in a way I’m happy seeing each other once in a while.

I don’t want us to get tired of each other.

I don’t want us to fight.

I don’t want you to get tired of me again and push me away.

I’m keeping my space this time, and not trying too hard.

I’m going to let you come to me first, instead of me come to you.

I’m going to go with the flow and be happy when I see you.

I know it’s different this time. But that’s okay with me.

As long as I get to talk to you again.

That’s all I care about.

That’s enough for me.

 

dear </3

Dear Broken Heart,

I know how it feels to be hurt… I’ve been hurt before too. I’ve been broken into tiny little pieces. But, I won’t let that happen to you anymore. I won’t hurt you. I want to help you. I want to heal you. I want to show you what it means to be loved. And I know that it’s hard for you to trust those words, because people have betrayed them before but, just remember I was once in your place too… afraid of letting people in. I don’t want to get hurt, so I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt either. I want you to let me in all the way. And I know it may take some time and that’s alright with me because I just want you happy. I want you to have everything that you want in life because you deserve it. You deserve someone being there for you at all times, and caring about you so much. You deserve someone that will go out of their way for you because they love you that much. You deserve someone who will put you back together and keep you in one piece. You deserve someone who will still be there after every little fight and not give up on you. You deserve the world. I am what you need, and I will be patient until you’re ready to let me in. I won’t hurt you. I won’t let you go, because you’re worth everything to me.

Sincerely,

A Heart that was once Broken…

too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

growing up

Growing up I used to hide my feelings. I used to be scared of what people would think of me if I told them how I felt, and if I told them all of the shit I’ve been through. I used to think they wouldn’t want to be my friend if they knew all of the shitty things about my life that had happened to me. But I guess I’ve opened up now because I was tired of holding on to so many things that made me feel miserable and I was tired of making myself pretend like certain things in my life didn’t happen when they actually affected me a lot. I had to face it, face the bad. I was tired of trying to forget about my saddest darkest nights, crying myself to sleep because I wanted the arguing and yelling to stop in the middle of the night. I was tired of trying to act happy all of the time. I was tired of seeing my friends happy with their “perfect” families, but I know everyone has been through something that’s affected them in certain ways and I know nothing is perfect. I couldn’t handle the pain. There was so much confusion going on in my head. So much change. Growing up wasn’t easy. Not knowing who and what to believe and having to lie to protect others. And it felt terrible because I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone that I wanted my life to go back to how it was 9 years ago, I didn’t want people to know every little thing about my life. I’ve acted like everything in my life has been easy, but being honest, it’s still not easy. I still wake up sometimes thinking how my life would’ve and could’ve been if my family hadn’t split and if my parents hadn’t met other people. I think about people in my life that have come and gone and the ones that have stuck around for years, and how it would’ve been if I hadn’t met certain people in my life, how different everything would be. Stuff happens and that’s just life. But I’ve come to accept what has happened in my past and be open to people close to me who care, even if I don’t want to talk about stuff at times because it’ll show me how much some things have changed, for worse or for the better. It shows me how far I’ve come from my past, from the many dark nights, that have made me realize that I am alive and I have overcome hard times.

why…?

why do i love someone who doesn’t care. why do i love someone who doesn’t love me back. why do i do things for people who don’t appreciate it. why do i try so hard for people that aren’t worth my time. why do i want you so bad. why did i love you. why do i still love you. why did i let myself get so close to you, when i knew there would be a possibility of losing you or that you’d hurt me. why did i put so much effort and time into you when i knew i had to go soon and that this wouldn’t last. why did i put the effort in when you didn’t. why did i let you use me and treat me the way you did. why did i fall for you. why did i fall for the things you said to me. why did i try so hard. why. why do i still try to talk to you when i know you want nothing to do with me. why do i fuck up so much. why did i fuck up. why did you leave, what made you leave. why was it so hard for you to be open with me and let your feelings out. why did you say you were done, and then come back, making me think you’d always come back but then you left for good. why do i still cry at night sometimes. why do i still think of you everyday. why can’t i get you off of my mind. why do i want you in my life when all you did was use me and hurt me. why did you say you loved me and why did you say you cared when you clearly didn’t. why did you say you needed me in your life when i see you happy as ever without me now. why. why didn’t you trust me. why didn’t you believe me when i said you were the best thing that had ever happened to me and that i’d never replace you. why did we kiss. why did you get upset when i said the kiss didn’t mean anything, but then you said it just happened and that it didn’t mean anything when i asked you months later. why did you push me away, i knew you better than anyone else did. why did you stop needing me. why did you let go. why did i not try harder. why wasn’t i enough. why do you make me feel like i can’t breathe. why do i still feel the pain after months of being apart. why can’t this just go away now. why does it still hurt so much. why can’t you be here to make everything good again. why can’t we work this out. why can’t you give us another shot. why can’t you see how much i care, how much i still love you and want you in my life, even after everything that has happened. why can’t we just forget the past. why can’t we just start all over. why.

?

who will you be?

people always ask me, “what do you want to do, who do you want to be?” truth is… i don’t know. it scares me and worries me that i don’t know what i want to do and who i want to be. i’m surrounded by so many people who have had their lives planned out since they were younger and know exactly what they want in life, and then there is me… i have no idea what i want to do in this world. i know i want to help people, i just don’t know how. there is a world of possibilities out there, but maybe i’m just too scared to pick something i really want to do, because i’m scared i’ll fail; i’m scared my dreams won’t become reality and that i’ll just let everyone i know down and disappoint them, and most importantly disappoint myself. i want to change someones life, i want to help people in times of need, i want to make a difference in someones life. i guess i’m still looking for an answer, for a sign, for something to just pop out and for me to just know in that moment that, that’s what i want to do with my life and that, that’s who i want to be.

miss the old me

“I miss who I was a year ago.” Things change. People change. You may miss it but you may not always be able to go back. We are made to change as life keeps going. We are meant to keep learning as we grow. Learning from experience, learning from mistakes, learning from others who may know better. You may be nostalgic about the past and it’s okay, but the past is in the past. As much as we may want to be who we used to be, it won’t be the same because we’ll be surrounded by different people in different stages of our lives, who will make us realize new things about ourselves. It’s okay to miss our old self and the memories and people that come along with it, but that doesn’t mean we need to be that person again. Change is supposed to happen in life. Change is good. 

lost myself

I lost myself. I lost myself when I lost you. I can’t seem to put myself back together. You’re what’s missing. I gave you all I had. I gave everything I had to you. And when things fell apart, so did I. I got lost. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. I just keep making mistakes. You were my light. I needed you, but I guess you didn’t need me. I lost myself by trying to give all of my effort and my heart to you. It was as if everyone else didn’t exist when I was around you. You were my main focus and all I cared about. I pushed everything and everyone aside. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I was doing what was right to make sure nothing ever went wrong. But I should’ve known it wasn’t going to end well. I lost people in my life that cared, I lost who I was in the process, I lost my ability to truly love and give my everything to someone, but all in all… I lost myself, I lost who I used to be, when I lost you.

just you

it’s just you. no one else. no one else has ever made me feel the way you did… the way you still do. which is probably why i can’t get over you. i know your life is perfect without me now, but can’t you remember when it was just us two? you can’t say it didn’t mean anything and that you didn’t feel anything, or that you don’t remember because it was so long ago. i get feelings can change, and i wish mine could about you, so i could move on, but i can’t… it doesn’t work that way. it’s so hard not seeing you, but it’s worse when i do because i want to say all of these things i’m too scared to say to you, that slip out when i’m drunk. i want to be able to go up to you like before and have everything feel right again. but it can’t be like that and it hurts when i see you from across a room knowing i’m close but can’t do anything about it. a lot has changed. i have changed and sometimes i look back at who i used to be and how i used to act, and i realize… i don’t like who i’m turning into. with you i knew who i was and i didn’t have to question everything in my life like i do now. i was truly happy around you, even if things weren’t always okay. now i feel lost. and i know i should be happy on my own and not need you, but i miss you. i miss the closeness we had. i miss being attached to someone who cared so much about me. but things got taken for granted, and i took you for granted knowing we would always fix things and get through whatever. but there was only so much we could do until we just had to stop. we hurt each other and i hurt you. it was never my intention to hurt you by doing the things i did and saying the things i said. i would never want to hurt you but i feel bad for all the times i did. i miss you, just you. it was different with you, just you. i can’t explain it, i can only feel it, feel that something was different… a good different kind of feeling i’d never felt with anyone else but you. just you.

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