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thoughts, feelings, emotions

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Scared

hazel

They’re not green…

But Hazel.

They are rare, so beautiful.

You would know if you had actually payed attention to her.

You left the breathtaking hazel eyed girl all alone, heartbroken.

You couldn’t handle her at her worst and slowly gave up because she was a dreamer and you only wanted things your way. You got lost and confused in her “green” eyes you thought she had, you let her go.

You didn’t know her as well as you thought you did. You should’ve known those little things about her that make her, her.

The girl with the hazel eyes is courageous and out-going. She’s selfless. She’s a risk taker. But has become scared of saying how she feels, because she doesn’t want to feel the way she felt months ago… she doesn’t want to feel the pain. You changed her view of love (from thinking it was something so beautiful that she didn’t have to worry about, to having trust issues, being afraid of someone tearing her apart like you did), the way you so easily thought her eyes were green.

They are hazel.

Her hazel eyes tell a story, her story.

A story of how when she loves someone, she is very trustworthy and cares so much. She is 100% there for you. But they also tell a story of how much it hurts her when people end up lying and leaving her. Looking into her eyes you can see right through her. You can tell whether she is sad when you see tears, and you can tell when she is happy when you see that spark in her eye.

Her eyes tell her story, tell the truth, tell her life. They hold tears of sadness and tears of joy for any given moment. They’ve been through a lot of heart breaks and painful experiences.

But no matter what has happened in her life, her hazel eyes still manage to shine so bright, like her wonderful personality that you chose to let go of.

You lost your chance and will never have it back.

Her hazel eyes won’t light up the way they used to when she see’s you.

Her hazel eyes don’t cry for help anymore.

She’s moved on, and doesn’t love you anymore.

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milk and honey- break each other, hold on, and call it love

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Rupi Kapur once said, “neither of us is happy but neither of us wants to leave so we keep breaking one another and calling it love.”

Have you ever been with someone, but it hasn’t always been easy? Have you ever been with someone and gotten in little fights, and one of you said you’re done, even when you know you’re not done? You can’t live without the person because you’ve become so used to them being there all the time. You know every little thing about them, and they know every single thing about you. You don’t want to have to pretend like you don’t know each other, so you stay. You don’t want to let go of the company and the memories, but you’re not as happy as you used to be anymore. You hold on, but why? You are scared to let go and have to start all over, having to learn to love someone new. So what you do is, you call it love and stay with the one you are used to, because at least you know that at some point they did and might still love you, since they chose to stay and deal with everything together, instead of leaving you to be unhappy alone.

falling for you

I think I’m falling for you. I’m falling for you even when I know you’re so deeply in love with someone else. I need to make these feelings go away before they destroy my heart. When I see you, I tend to look away because if I look into your eyes, I know my heart will start to race faster and faster and faster. I feel like if I look at you, you’ll see everything and know everything about me. It scares me, it makes me nervous. You make me nervous, a good kind that gives me a rush throughout my body. You make me laugh. A simple joke or a simple smile from you makes my whole day better. I can’t fully explain how I’m feeling, but all of the sudden I can’t take my mind off of you. I want to make sure you’re happy and make sure you’re always okay. This feeling is driving me crazy. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way, and I’ve waited so long to feel like this again. I never thought I would even feel this happy again. I feel like we have a connection. I know what you want and I want to be the one to listen to you and give you all I have and give you everything you deserve. But the thing is… I can’t do this with you. I can’t feel this way with you because you’re into someone else. I could tell you so many times how I feel and I could ask you if you’d feel anything at all, but your feelings would still be for her, they wouldn’t change. So, I guess I’m stuck once again, on the outside all alone, keeping my feelings inside. I just hope whoever you end up with, treats you with respect, cares and loves you endlessly.

too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

who will you be?

people always ask me, “what do you want to do, who do you want to be?” truth is… i don’t know. it scares me and worries me that i don’t know what i want to do and who i want to be. i’m surrounded by so many people who have had their lives planned out since they were younger and know exactly what they want in life, and then there is me… i have no idea what i want to do in this world. i know i want to help people, i just don’t know how. there is a world of possibilities out there, but maybe i’m just too scared to pick something i really want to do, because i’m scared i’ll fail; i’m scared my dreams won’t become reality and that i’ll just let everyone i know down and disappoint them, and most importantly disappoint myself. i want to change someones life, i want to help people in times of need, i want to make a difference in someones life. i guess i’m still looking for an answer, for a sign, for something to just pop out and for me to just know in that moment that, that’s what i want to do with my life and that, that’s who i want to be.

let you in

I’m letting you in. I’m trying. I have to do this. I have to let myself be happy again. Yes, I’m scared because I’ve been through this and I’ve been torn apart by people who said they cared. But I know not everyone is like that. I have to give myself and give you a chance. I need to accept and allow myself to feel, allow myself to trust, allow myself to love, and just allow something good to come into my life and just happen.

just you

it’s just you. no one else. no one else has ever made me feel the way you did… the way you still do. which is probably why i can’t get over you. i know your life is perfect without me now, but can’t you remember when it was just us two? you can’t say it didn’t mean anything and that you didn’t feel anything, or that you don’t remember because it was so long ago. i get feelings can change, and i wish mine could about you, so i could move on, but i can’t… it doesn’t work that way. it’s so hard not seeing you, but it’s worse when i do because i want to say all of these things i’m too scared to say to you, that slip out when i’m drunk. i want to be able to go up to you like before and have everything feel right again. but it can’t be like that and it hurts when i see you from across a room knowing i’m close but can’t do anything about it. a lot has changed. i have changed and sometimes i look back at who i used to be and how i used to act, and i realize… i don’t like who i’m turning into. with you i knew who i was and i didn’t have to question everything in my life like i do now. i was truly happy around you, even if things weren’t always okay. now i feel lost. and i know i should be happy on my own and not need you, but i miss you. i miss the closeness we had. i miss being attached to someone who cared so much about me. but things got taken for granted, and i took you for granted knowing we would always fix things and get through whatever. but there was only so much we could do until we just had to stop. we hurt each other and i hurt you. it was never my intention to hurt you by doing the things i did and saying the things i said. i would never want to hurt you but i feel bad for all the times i did. i miss you, just you. it was different with you, just you. i can’t explain it, i can only feel it, feel that something was different… a good different kind of feeling i’d never felt with anyone else but you. just you.

forever waiting

I’m still waiting for the impossible to happen. I’m still waiting for the phone to ring, and for it to be your name that pops up, asking to see me. I’m still waiting for the day that I’ll be able to hear your voice again. I’m still waiting for you to say you miss me. I’m still waiting, waiting for you… the impossible.

I tried letting go of you but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t. Maybe it’s because if I let go, it’ll be as if nothing had ever happened between us, as if we had never even met in the first place. I hate myself for waiting around, thinking that if you ever come back, everything will be how it used to, because I know it can’t and it wouldn’t be that way.

I’m scared that if I move on and let you go, that I’ll forget little things about you and moments we had. I don’t want to forget, even if you are not in my life anymore. And I feel like I’m already forgetting as each day that I’m not with you passes. You’re so close, but so far, which makes everything much harder, because how could I just drop all of my feelings, knowing that there will always be a possibility of seeing you or hearing about you from other people. I try to block you out, but I hate not knowing what’s going on in your head and in your life. I hate not being that person to you anymore… the one you always needed, the one you could always talk to and trust.

I’m still waiting to see if this is just a phase we are both going through in order to find ourselves and what’s best for us. But ever since you moved on, I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you. You’re what’s best for me, even if it isn’t always easy between us. I’m happy when I’m with you, and I miss being happy, happy with you. So I’ll wait and wait for you, forever for the impossible.

it’s okay to not know

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m going to do in this world. Who I will end up with. Where I will end up. If I’ll be happy wherever I may be. I don’t know. It’s all a mystery. But I feel like I should know at least what I want to do by now. But I don’t. It scares me. I am worried that I won’t succeed and that I will let everyone that believes in me, down. I’m trying, but I know I could try harder. So many distractions: people, drama, work, heartbreaks, loss, stress, pain. So much is in the way and sometimes it is hard to overcome everything that is trying to push me down. But I should know that these are all tests pushing me to only work harder. I still have time. I don’t have to know what I want to do right at this moment. But I hope I figure it out soon and I hope I love whatever I end up doing with my life. But most importantly I hope I am happy with myself and my decisions

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