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Pain

tears down your face

It hurt to see you crying. It hurt because I didn’t know what was going on. I hate that I had no idea how you had been feeling lately. I didn’t know what to say… so I just listened and I tried to understand what even you didn’t really understand. Tears rolling down your face, I wanted to make you feel better. I wish I could do something to help, but I know all I can really do is say I’m here for you and that I care and that you’re not alone. I saw you all the time. I should’ve known something was wrong… I don’t want you feeling alone or depressed. And I know it’s not something you can just turn off and be okay again. I know it’s going to take time and that it may be hard to get those words through to you, that people care and want you to be okay.

I miss it all.

I miss your face.

I miss your lips.

I miss your voice.

I miss your eyes.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your hands.

I miss you close to me.

I miss you holding me.

I miss you calling me.

I miss you being there.

I miss days with you.

I miss nights with you.

I miss you.

I miss everything about you.

Every single thing.

Every single moment.

Every laugh, every cry, every single word you said.

I miss it all.

 

tragedy of living

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The tragedy of living is when people that once were as soft as water become they coldest people because they have been shown coldness, anger, pain, betrayal, and heartbreak. They weren’t shown love or affection. Some grown up with no support and have to learn to grow up independently, not relying on anyone. Some people are scared they will get hurt over and over if they let someone in, so they simply stay as far away as possible and shut people out, to prevent themselves from breaking into even smaller pieces. They become the person that they hated for hurting them or never even being there in the first place, and they hate it… but that’s the tragedy of living.

falling for you

I think I’m falling for you. I’m falling for you even when I know you’re so deeply in love with someone else. I need to make these feelings go away before they destroy my heart. When I see you, I tend to look away because if I look into your eyes, I know my heart will start to race faster and faster and faster. I feel like if I look at you, you’ll see everything and know everything about me. It scares me, it makes me nervous. You make me nervous, a good kind that gives me a rush throughout my body. You make me laugh. A simple joke or a simple smile from you makes my whole day better. I can’t fully explain how I’m feeling, but all of the sudden I can’t take my mind off of you. I want to make sure you’re happy and make sure you’re always okay. This feeling is driving me crazy. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way, and I’ve waited so long to feel like this again. I never thought I would even feel this happy again. I feel like we have a connection. I know what you want and I want to be the one to listen to you and give you all I have and give you everything you deserve. But the thing is… I can’t do this with you. I can’t feel this way with you because you’re into someone else. I could tell you so many times how I feel and I could ask you if you’d feel anything at all, but your feelings would still be for her, they wouldn’t change. So, I guess I’m stuck once again, on the outside all alone, keeping my feelings inside. I just hope whoever you end up with, treats you with respect, cares and loves you endlessly.

dear </3

Dear Broken Heart,

I know how it feels to be hurt… I’ve been hurt before too. I’ve been broken into tiny little pieces. But, I won’t let that happen to you anymore. I won’t hurt you. I want to help you. I want to heal you. I want to show you what it means to be loved. And I know that it’s hard for you to trust those words, because people have betrayed them before but, just remember I was once in your place too… afraid of letting people in. I don’t want to get hurt, so I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt either. I want you to let me in all the way. And I know it may take some time and that’s alright with me because I just want you happy. I want you to have everything that you want in life because you deserve it. You deserve someone being there for you at all times, and caring about you so much. You deserve someone that will go out of their way for you because they love you that much. You deserve someone who will put you back together and keep you in one piece. You deserve someone who will still be there after every little fight and not give up on you. You deserve the world. I am what you need, and I will be patient until you’re ready to let me in. I won’t hurt you. I won’t let you go, because you’re worth everything to me.

Sincerely,

A Heart that was once Broken…

too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

why try?

I never meant to hurt you

I didn’t mean to lie

I always cared about you

I just wanted you by my side

I promised I’d never replace you

But then you left without saying goodbye

You just said you were done trying

So you stopped replying when I’d ask why

I was the one left hurting

While you moved on so easily with your life…

I still tried, but why?

If you didn’t say goodbye why do I still try?

drink the pain away

I used to get mad at my friends and tell them that drinking wouldn’t take the pain away. That was then… because now I understand why they’d do it. I used to never drink, and I didn’t like doing anything bad in order to forget what I didn’t want to remember. But I guess I fell right into the same ways of my people who were just trying to get over something and forget. But to me, drinking only made me think about everything more. It would make me want to confront my problems even though that would be a completely terrible idea to do while being drunk. People say, “the truth comes out when you’re drunk.” It does… Everything I feel, everything I want to say just comes out of me, without a care in the world; something I wouldn’t have the courage to do if I were to be sober.

the last time

I remember the last time we actually spoke. Face to face. It had been a while since we had seen each other. We sat down, had some good laughs, tried catching up. It wasn’t the same as it used to be. We couldn’t say and do things we had done before. It was nice to see you, but it brought back a lot of memories. I realized who we were back then isn’t who we are now. So I had to go. I couldn’t stay even if I wanted to. I remember walking away, not being able to look at you because I was afraid if I did look into your eyes, I’d never want to leave and I’d try to say something I’d regret. I shut the door behind me and left. But I looked back. I looked back hoping you had opened the door to tell me to wait. But you weren’t there so I kept walking to my car until I drove away, thinking I should’ve at least hugged you… or even looked at you. If I had known it had been the last time, I would’ve done it all different. The last words I said were “goodbye.” Thing is, I didn’t really think it’d be the last time I’d see you because I thought things were going to change. But like always, things just got worse even when I tried to make them better. I’m not good at staying close to people. Yes, I care A LOT… but sometimes I overthink every situation, and think there’s always something wrong when things are actually going well. I wish I would’ve said something, done something, been honest. But instead I chose to stay quiet about how I felt. And that’s why that was the last time. The last time I saw you. The last time I said hello and goodbye…

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