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Happiness

this time around

I’m not expecting much this time around.

I know things aren’t going to be how they used to.

But at least we’re talking again…

It feels good, but I know not to get my hopes up anymore.

A small part of me wishes we could jump right back to how we were.

But in a way I’m happy seeing each other once in a while.

I don’t want us to get tired of each other.

I don’t want us to fight.

I don’t want you to get tired of me again and push me away.

I’m keeping my space this time, and not trying too hard.

I’m going to let you come to me first, instead of me come to you.

I’m going to go with the flow and be happy when I see you.

I know it’s different this time. But that’s okay with me.

As long as I get to talk to you again.

That’s all I care about.

That’s enough for me.

 

hazel

They’re not green…

But Hazel.

They are rare, so beautiful.

You would know if you had actually payed attention to her.

You left the breathtaking hazel eyed girl all alone, heartbroken.

You couldn’t handle her at her worst and slowly gave up because she was a dreamer and you only wanted things your way. You got lost and confused in her “green” eyes you thought she had, you let her go.

You didn’t know her as well as you thought you did. You should’ve known those little things about her that make her, her.

The girl with the hazel eyes is courageous and out-going. She’s selfless. She’s a risk taker. But has become scared of saying how she feels, because she doesn’t want to feel the way she felt months ago… she doesn’t want to feel the pain. You changed her view of love (from thinking it was something so beautiful that she didn’t have to worry about, to having trust issues, being afraid of someone tearing her apart like you did), the way you so easily thought her eyes were green.

They are hazel.

Her hazel eyes tell a story, her story.

A story of how when she loves someone, she is very trustworthy and cares so much. She is 100% there for you. But they also tell a story of how much it hurts her when people end up lying and leaving her. Looking into her eyes you can see right through her. You can tell whether she is sad when you see tears, and you can tell when she is happy when you see that spark in her eye.

Her eyes tell her story, tell the truth, tell her life. They hold tears of sadness and tears of joy for any given moment. They’ve been through a lot of heart breaks and painful experiences.

But no matter what has happened in her life, her hazel eyes still manage to shine so bright, like her wonderful personality that you chose to let go of.

You lost your chance and will never have it back.

Her hazel eyes won’t light up the way they used to when she see’s you.

Her hazel eyes don’t cry for help anymore.

She’s moved on, and doesn’t love you anymore.

Don’t worry, one day…

Don’t you worry. One day someone will look at you like you put all of the stars in the sky.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will love you and not leave you gasping for air, not leave you wondering why, why, why it didn’t work out… not leave you wondering why they didn’t love you anymore.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will grab your hand, hold it tight, and never let it go.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will be laying by your side holding you tight and whisper three special words, eight letters, into your ear, “I love you.”

Don’t you worry. One day someone will promise to love you forever and always and mean it.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will make you the happiest you’ve ever felt, which will make you feel great, but also nervous and maybe even scared but…

Don’t you worry. One day someone will promise to never hurt you like you have been in the past. They will promise to give you love and affection, and you’ll believe them because of their actions that back up their promises.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will text you good morning and good night every day, and tell you all of the reasons why you make them feel the happiest they’ve ever felt, why you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will come into your life and make everything fall into place.

It won’t all happen all at once, and things may take time, but one day someone real will walk into your life and change it completely.

Don’t worry, one day.

falling for you

I think I’m falling for you. I’m falling for you even when I know you’re so deeply in love with someone else. I need to make these feelings go away before they destroy my heart. When I see you, I tend to look away because if I look into your eyes, I know my heart will start to race faster and faster and faster. I feel like if I look at you, you’ll see everything and know everything about me. It scares me, it makes me nervous. You make me nervous, a good kind that gives me a rush throughout my body. You make me laugh. A simple joke or a simple smile from you makes my whole day better. I can’t fully explain how I’m feeling, but all of the sudden I can’t take my mind off of you. I want to make sure you’re happy and make sure you’re always okay. This feeling is driving me crazy. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way, and I’ve waited so long to feel like this again. I never thought I would even feel this happy again. I feel like we have a connection. I know what you want and I want to be the one to listen to you and give you all I have and give you everything you deserve. But the thing is… I can’t do this with you. I can’t feel this way with you because you’re into someone else. I could tell you so many times how I feel and I could ask you if you’d feel anything at all, but your feelings would still be for her, they wouldn’t change. So, I guess I’m stuck once again, on the outside all alone, keeping my feelings inside. I just hope whoever you end up with, treats you with respect, cares and loves you endlessly.

dear </3

Dear Broken Heart,

I know how it feels to be hurt… I’ve been hurt before too. I’ve been broken into tiny little pieces. But, I won’t let that happen to you anymore. I won’t hurt you. I want to help you. I want to heal you. I want to show you what it means to be loved. And I know that it’s hard for you to trust those words, because people have betrayed them before but, just remember I was once in your place too… afraid of letting people in. I don’t want to get hurt, so I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt either. I want you to let me in all the way. And I know it may take some time and that’s alright with me because I just want you happy. I want you to have everything that you want in life because you deserve it. You deserve someone being there for you at all times, and caring about you so much. You deserve someone that will go out of their way for you because they love you that much. You deserve someone who will put you back together and keep you in one piece. You deserve someone who will still be there after every little fight and not give up on you. You deserve the world. I am what you need, and I will be patient until you’re ready to let me in. I won’t hurt you. I won’t let you go, because you’re worth everything to me.

Sincerely,

A Heart that was once Broken…

too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

how do you know?

How do you know when you love someone? You’ll know. You’ll know you love someone when they are all you think about. You’ll know, when their mood starts affecting yours; when their emotions become what you feel too. You’ll know, when you start talking and saying things they always say. You’ll know, when you care about them more than you care about yourself and put them before anything or anyone else.

You may not realize it at first but all of these little things will show that you love that special someone. You’ll know, when all you want to do is talk to them and for them to be the first you want to tell good and bad news to. You’ll know, when you say goodbye to them and the minute you’re not with them, you miss them. You’ll know, when you start to remember little random things about them; their likes and dislikes. You’ll know, when you laugh at their jokes even if they aren’t funny, but do it anyways just to see a smile on their face. You’ll know, when you go out of your way for them; when they are sick or need help, you’re there. You’ll know when you want to know how their day went and don’t just ask to ask. You’ll know, when you want to know every little thing about them, that when someone asks you something about them, you’ll know. You’ll know, when it’s three in the morning and you’re so tired but don’t want hang up the phone because you don’t wanna stop hearing the sound of their voice. You’ll know, when you get into little arguments but fight through it together because there is no one else you’d rather argue and make things right with than with them.

Love is a wild ride. There are a lot of ups and downs when it comes to love. It won’t always be easy but that doesn’t mean you should give up when something doesn’t go right. If you can give up so quickly, then that’s when you know you don’t love that someone; when you don’t have the effort to try to get through something. But you’ll know you do when, you feel so happy with them and notice yourself becoming one with them. Maybe for some they’ll realize they loved someone a little too late, when they’re gone because they didn’t speak up when they should’ve and now have lost their chance.You start to realize all of the things you did and also could’ve done and the things they might’ve done that showed they never gave up on you because they loved you, but you never had the courage to say how you felt back.

Thing is, you won’t know right away when you love someone and it may take time, but when you notice all of these little things, you’ll know you do, especially when you realize that you know them better than you know yourself.

him

i feel so happy right now. a way i haven’t felt in a very long time. i don’t know how to explain it. it’s like a funny feeling inside of me. i don’t want this feeling to go away. i don’t want him to go away. since he came into my life, everything has been a little easier. i laugh a little more, smile a little more, and i’ve learned to let people in a little more. i don’t want to be scared and i don’t want to push him away. i feel ready to let someone in and know everything about me, good and bad. i’m ready to let myself be happy and trust again and feel things i wanna feel.

let you in

I’m letting you in. I’m trying. I have to do this. I have to let myself be happy again. Yes, I’m scared because I’ve been through this and I’ve been torn apart by people who said they cared. But I know not everyone is like that. I have to give myself and give you a chance. I need to accept and allow myself to feel, allow myself to trust, allow myself to love, and just allow something good to come into my life and just happen.

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