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thoughts, feelings, emotions

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Letting People In

this time around

I’m not expecting much this time around.

I know things aren’t going to be how they used to.

But at least we’re talking again…

It feels good, but I know not to get my hopes up anymore.

A small part of me wishes we could jump right back to how we were.

But in a way I’m happy seeing each other once in a while.

I don’t want us to get tired of each other.

I don’t want us to fight.

I don’t want you to get tired of me again and push me away.

I’m keeping my space this time, and not trying too hard.

I’m going to let you come to me first, instead of me come to you.

I’m going to go with the flow and be happy when I see you.

I know it’s different this time. But that’s okay with me.

As long as I get to talk to you again.

That’s all I care about.

That’s enough for me.

 

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come and go

You could come in and out of my life as many times as you’d want, and I’d just let you even if it’s not fair to me, because I rather have you in my life even if it’s only when you need me for something or feel lonely, than not have you in my life at all and act as if we never met.

tragedy of living

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The tragedy of living is when people that once were as soft as water become they coldest people because they have been shown coldness, anger, pain, betrayal, and heartbreak. They weren’t shown love or affection. Some grown up with no support and have to learn to grow up independently, not relying on anyone. Some people are scared they will get hurt over and over if they let someone in, so they simply stay as far away as possible and shut people out, to prevent themselves from breaking into even smaller pieces. They become the person that they hated for hurting them or never even being there in the first place, and they hate it… but that’s the tragedy of living.

Don’t worry, one day…

Don’t you worry. One day someone will look at you like you put all of the stars in the sky.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will love you and not leave you gasping for air, not leave you wondering why, why, why it didn’t work out… not leave you wondering why they didn’t love you anymore.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will grab your hand, hold it tight, and never let it go.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will be laying by your side holding you tight and whisper three special words, eight letters, into your ear, “I love you.”

Don’t you worry. One day someone will promise to love you forever and always and mean it.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will make you the happiest you’ve ever felt, which will make you feel great, but also nervous and maybe even scared but…

Don’t you worry. One day someone will promise to never hurt you like you have been in the past. They will promise to give you love and affection, and you’ll believe them because of their actions that back up their promises.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will text you good morning and good night every day, and tell you all of the reasons why you make them feel the happiest they’ve ever felt, why you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them.

Don’t you worry. One day someone will come into your life and make everything fall into place.

It won’t all happen all at once, and things may take time, but one day someone real will walk into your life and change it completely.

Don’t worry, one day.

falling for you

I think I’m falling for you. I’m falling for you even when I know you’re so deeply in love with someone else. I need to make these feelings go away before they destroy my heart. When I see you, I tend to look away because if I look into your eyes, I know my heart will start to race faster and faster and faster. I feel like if I look at you, you’ll see everything and know everything about me. It scares me, it makes me nervous. You make me nervous, a good kind that gives me a rush throughout my body. You make me laugh. A simple joke or a simple smile from you makes my whole day better. I can’t fully explain how I’m feeling, but all of the sudden I can’t take my mind off of you. I want to make sure you’re happy and make sure you’re always okay. This feeling is driving me crazy. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way, and I’ve waited so long to feel like this again. I never thought I would even feel this happy again. I feel like we have a connection. I know what you want and I want to be the one to listen to you and give you all I have and give you everything you deserve. But the thing is… I can’t do this with you. I can’t feel this way with you because you’re into someone else. I could tell you so many times how I feel and I could ask you if you’d feel anything at all, but your feelings would still be for her, they wouldn’t change. So, I guess I’m stuck once again, on the outside all alone, keeping my feelings inside. I just hope whoever you end up with, treats you with respect, cares and loves you endlessly.

dear </3

Dear Broken Heart,

I know how it feels to be hurt… I’ve been hurt before too. I’ve been broken into tiny little pieces. But, I won’t let that happen to you anymore. I won’t hurt you. I want to help you. I want to heal you. I want to show you what it means to be loved. And I know that it’s hard for you to trust those words, because people have betrayed them before but, just remember I was once in your place too… afraid of letting people in. I don’t want to get hurt, so I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt either. I want you to let me in all the way. And I know it may take some time and that’s alright with me because I just want you happy. I want you to have everything that you want in life because you deserve it. You deserve someone being there for you at all times, and caring about you so much. You deserve someone that will go out of their way for you because they love you that much. You deserve someone who will put you back together and keep you in one piece. You deserve someone who will still be there after every little fight and not give up on you. You deserve the world. I am what you need, and I will be patient until you’re ready to let me in. I won’t hurt you. I won’t let you go, because you’re worth everything to me.

Sincerely,

A Heart that was once Broken…

how do you know?

How do you know when you love someone? You’ll know. You’ll know you love someone when they are all you think about. You’ll know, when their mood starts affecting yours; when their emotions become what you feel too. You’ll know, when you start talking and saying things they always say. You’ll know, when you care about them more than you care about yourself and put them before anything or anyone else.

You may not realize it at first but all of these little things will show that you love that special someone. You’ll know, when all you want to do is talk to them and for them to be the first you want to tell good and bad news to. You’ll know, when you say goodbye to them and the minute you’re not with them, you miss them. You’ll know, when you start to remember little random things about them; their likes and dislikes. You’ll know, when you laugh at their jokes even if they aren’t funny, but do it anyways just to see a smile on their face. You’ll know, when you go out of your way for them; when they are sick or need help, you’re there. You’ll know when you want to know how their day went and don’t just ask to ask. You’ll know, when you want to know every little thing about them, that when someone asks you something about them, you’ll know. You’ll know, when it’s three in the morning and you’re so tired but don’t want hang up the phone because you don’t wanna stop hearing the sound of their voice. You’ll know, when you get into little arguments but fight through it together because there is no one else you’d rather argue and make things right with than with them.

Love is a wild ride. There are a lot of ups and downs when it comes to love. It won’t always be easy but that doesn’t mean you should give up when something doesn’t go right. If you can give up so quickly, then that’s when you know you don’t love that someone; when you don’t have the effort to try to get through something. But you’ll know you do when, you feel so happy with them and notice yourself becoming one with them. Maybe for some they’ll realize they loved someone a little too late, when they’re gone because they didn’t speak up when they should’ve and now have lost their chance.You start to realize all of the things you did and also could’ve done and the things they might’ve done that showed they never gave up on you because they loved you, but you never had the courage to say how you felt back.

Thing is, you won’t know right away when you love someone and it may take time, but when you notice all of these little things, you’ll know you do, especially when you realize that you know them better than you know yourself.

how can i forget when you always come back?

I tried to forget you but what you don’t know is that I think about you everyday. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. With you it’s all different, it’s something I’ve never been through. I’ve never cared about someone so much that it hurts. Thing is, you left… you said you couldn’t do this. You said that having me in your life sucked and that your life was perfect without me in it. And I thought, how can someone say that to someone you spend almost every day with? But also, how can someone just stop loving and caring about someone so easily?  It’s hard because I try to move on after what you said but then you come back. Somehow, you always do. Is it always going to be this way? Every time, I end up letting you back in like nothing ever happened, like you never even hurt me or pushed me away. I get blinded and always try to please you and make you happy, because all I want is to talk to you any chance I get. I fall for your smile, I fall for the things you say, I fall for every little thing about you… And thing is, I know that I shouldn’t go back to you, I know I’m better off without you, we were toxic to each other. But I miss having someone around me that cared as much as you did, so I guess you’re the closest thing and maybe the only one that can make me feel the way I used to feel again… with you and only you. No one compares to you. Someone could be doing and saying all the right things and I would still choose you because of everything we’ve been through and how much I care. I don’t care about what people think and I think that’s what also got in the way of us. We cared too much in the moment of what everyone else thought and said, that we took their opinions and made poor decisions based on what they thought was best for us. There are a lot of things I may regret but I will never regret you being in my life. I will regret the decisions I made that led to me losing you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me and maybe my worst too. I lost you even though I know you’re still around, because it isn’t the same as it used to be. I’m not your person anymore and you’re not mine, so I have to tell myself to stop hoping and move on. But how can I forget you when you always end up coming back when least expected?

why…?

why do i love someone who doesn’t care. why do i love someone who doesn’t love me back. why do i do things for people who don’t appreciate it. why do i try so hard for people that aren’t worth my time. why do i want you so bad. why did i love you. why do i still love you. why did i let myself get so close to you, when i knew there would be a possibility of losing you or that you’d hurt me. why did i put so much effort and time into you when i knew i had to go soon and that this wouldn’t last. why did i put the effort in when you didn’t. why did i let you use me and treat me the way you did. why did i fall for you. why did i fall for the things you said to me. why did i try so hard. why. why do i still try to talk to you when i know you want nothing to do with me. why do i fuck up so much. why did i fuck up. why did you leave, what made you leave. why was it so hard for you to be open with me and let your feelings out. why did you say you were done, and then come back, making me think you’d always come back but then you left for good. why do i still cry at night sometimes. why do i still think of you everyday. why can’t i get you off of my mind. why do i want you in my life when all you did was use me and hurt me. why did you say you loved me and why did you say you cared when you clearly didn’t. why did you say you needed me in your life when i see you happy as ever without me now. why. why didn’t you trust me. why didn’t you believe me when i said you were the best thing that had ever happened to me and that i’d never replace you. why did we kiss. why did you get upset when i said the kiss didn’t mean anything, but then you said it just happened and that it didn’t mean anything when i asked you months later. why did you push me away, i knew you better than anyone else did. why did you stop needing me. why did you let go. why did i not try harder. why wasn’t i enough. why do you make me feel like i can’t breathe. why do i still feel the pain after months of being apart. why can’t this just go away now. why does it still hurt so much. why can’t you be here to make everything good again. why can’t we work this out. why can’t you give us another shot. why can’t you see how much i care, how much i still love you and want you in my life, even after everything that has happened. why can’t we just forget the past. why can’t we just start all over. why.

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