thoughts, feelings, emotions



this time around

I’m not expecting much this time around.

I know things aren’t going to be how they used to.

But at least we’re talking again…

It feels good, but I know not to get my hopes up anymore.

A small part of me wishes we could jump right back to how we were.

But in a way I’m happy seeing each other once in a while.

I don’t want us to get tired of each other.

I don’t want us to fight.

I don’t want you to get tired of me again and push me away.

I’m keeping my space this time, and not trying too hard.

I’m going to let you come to me first, instead of me come to you.

I’m going to go with the flow and be happy when I see you.

I know it’s different this time. But that’s okay with me.

As long as I get to talk to you again.

That’s all I care about.

That’s enough for me.



too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

growing up

Growing up I used to hide my feelings. I used to be scared of what people would think of me if I told them how I felt, and if I told them all of the shit I’ve been through. I used to think they wouldn’t want to be my friend if they knew all of the shitty things about my life that had happened to me. But I guess I’ve opened up now because I was tired of holding on to so many things that made me feel miserable and I was tired of making myself pretend like certain things in my life didn’t happen when they actually affected me a lot. I had to face it, face the bad. I was tired of trying to forget about my saddest darkest nights, crying myself to sleep because I wanted the arguing and yelling to stop in the middle of the night. I was tired of trying to act happy all of the time. I was tired of seeing my friends happy with their “perfect” families, but I know everyone has been through something that’s affected them in certain ways and I know nothing is perfect. I couldn’t handle the pain. There was so much confusion going on in my head. So much change. Growing up wasn’t easy. Not knowing who and what to believe and having to lie to protect others. And it felt terrible because I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone that I wanted my life to go back to how it was 9 years ago, I didn’t want people to know every little thing about my life. I’ve acted like everything in my life has been easy, but being honest, it’s still not easy. I still wake up sometimes thinking how my life would’ve and could’ve been if my family hadn’t split and if my parents hadn’t met other people. I think about people in my life that have come and gone and the ones that have stuck around for years, and how it would’ve been if I hadn’t met certain people in my life, how different everything would be. Stuff happens and that’s just life. But I’ve come to accept what has happened in my past and be open to people close to me who care, even if I don’t want to talk about stuff at times because it’ll show me how much some things have changed, for worse or for the better. It shows me how far I’ve come from my past, from the many dark nights, that have made me realize that I am alive and I have overcome hard times.


i feel so happy right now. a way i haven’t felt in a very long time. i don’t know how to explain it. it’s like a funny feeling inside of me. i don’t want this feeling to go away. i don’t want him to go away. since he came into my life, everything has been a little easier. i laugh a little more, smile a little more, and i’ve learned to let people in a little more. i don’t want to be scared and i don’t want to push him away. i feel ready to let someone in and know everything about me, good and bad. i’m ready to let myself be happy and trust again and feel things i wanna feel.

let you in

I’m letting you in. I’m trying. I have to do this. I have to let myself be happy again. Yes, I’m scared because I’ve been through this and I’ve been torn apart by people who said they cared. But I know not everyone is like that. I have to give myself and give you a chance. I need to accept and allow myself to feel, allow myself to trust, allow myself to love, and just allow something good to come into my life and just happen.


we just needed time. i’m not saying it’s back to how it used to be, and maybe it will never be that way again between us, but that’s okay. we aren’t the same people we used to be. we’ve both grown up and changed throughout these years. things happen for a reason and maybe this was supposed to happen. maybe we were both supposed to realize that it’s different but that we could still talk… you know that we didn’t have to ignore each other for the rest of our lives. i feel like i’m finally at peace. i feel like i’m in a state of relaxation and no worries. i can breathe again. it’s not perfect and maybe it will never be, but we needed this time apart to see if we could ever be okay again. we aren’t the same caring, over protective people we used to be, and we’ve learned and are probably still learning from our mistakes. it’s okay to change but it’s also okay to always be able to go back and talk to each other. i know i’ll always care no matter what and that even if it means waiting a month or even a year, it’ll be worth it.

see you again

i never would’ve thought that i’d ever get the chance to see you again. i mean i had a little bit of hope left, but a lot of time had passed since we had spoken and actually had an actual conversation, so i just didn’t see my chance coming at all.

thing is, now that i do have a chance and a new year, i don’t know what i’ll say to you and what you’ll say to me. i don’t want to mess it up this time because i still care as much as i did these past two years. i waited and waited, but not for nothing because i know i’ll get to see you.

i know things wont go back to how they were, but i hope we laugh a little and start to patch up a few things from the past, move on from it all and start over. i know it wont be easy, it never was, but it’s all worth it tome. you’re worth it to me.


f41511aa-d683-473b-9fad-c25911c3ecf4she’s moved on. she’s happy. of course you want her happy. but you hate that she’s happy with someone else that isn’t you. it hurts, hurts like hell. you think about her all the time. you try to move on, but it isn’t the same. you want her back. you miss her and she knows it… she doesn’t mean to hurt you, but she is and it’s killing you inside. you want to see her and be with her and do all of the things you used to do with her. you say it’s different with her and no one makes you feel the way she made you feel. some would say you’re lucky to have been able to feel that much happiness with someone you loved… and still love. but of course because you were so happy, the pain hit you harder than ever because you fell so hard for her. it’s a big change going from being with the one you love everyday talking, laughing, hugging, holding hands and laying together, to not seeing her anymore and not being able to do anything about it because she’s moved on. you wonder if she thinks about you. how could she not? just because she’s moved on doesn’t mean she’s forgotten everything. but you wish you could move on and not think about her, like she did so easily. you wish she wasn’t so amazing so you could just forget her. but you can’t forget. and you don’t want to forget all of the feelings she made you feel. you never knew you could even feel this much, and now you miss it all. you can’t force someone to be with you as much as you’d want to. you can’t change how someone feels about you. and it’s hard to stop feeling for someone. you love her and maybe you’ll always love her. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to live your life and try to be happy too. it takes time, it’s not easy, but one day you’ll wake up and you won’t feel as hurt, you won’t be as sad anymore, and you’ll realize things happen for a reason. you won’t forget everything you went through, you’ll always remember. but it won’t hurt as much to remember all of the memories as time passes… in the end it is her loss, because she lost someone who fell in love with every single little thing about her, she lost a person who would do anything and everything for her, and she lost someone who cared and loved her more than anyone has ever loved her. she lost you. she was the lucky one.

drift apart

Do you ever get the feeling that you and your bestfriend are slowly drifting apart? You’re trying to do anything you can to act normal and not mess anything up. You don’t want to say what you’re feeling because you don’t want to make things worse, but it’s killing you inside seeing that the person that once always said they needed you, doesn’t need you anymore. All of the sudden, they’ve grown up, moved on, found new people, and have started a new chapter in their life, leaving you stuck in the past. It hurts to know that they’ve most likely forgotten about you. You love them and would do anything to keep them by your side because they know too much and you want them to be your person. They’ve let go and as much as you don’t want to let go, you have to. Because if you keep holding on to someone that isn’t there anymore and think about the memories too much, you’ll be stuck in the past and you’ll never be completely happy because you’ll always feel like you’re missing something or someone. These are things people have to accept. It’s hard to move on right away because you’re scared someone else might hurt you, but you shouldn’t shut people out who actually care to make an effort. You can’t live life scared because of one bad thing that broke you. It takes time to heal, and maybe you’ll aways remember that one bestfriend, but you know you’ve moved on once you don’t feel sad that they’re gone and know that you deserve better.

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