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thoughts, feelings, emotions

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The Past

I miss it all.

I miss your face.

I miss your lips.

I miss your voice.

I miss your eyes.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your hands.

I miss you close to me.

I miss you holding me.

I miss you calling me.

I miss you being there.

I miss days with you.

I miss nights with you.

I miss you.

I miss everything about you.

Every single thing.

Every single moment.

Every laugh, every cry, every single word you said.

I miss it all.

 

hazel

They’re not green…

But Hazel.

They are rare, so beautiful.

You would know if you had actually payed attention to her.

You left the breathtaking hazel eyed girl all alone, heartbroken.

You couldn’t handle her at her worst and slowly gave up because she was a dreamer and you only wanted things your way. You got lost and confused in her “green” eyes you thought she had, you let her go.

You didn’t know her as well as you thought you did. You should’ve known those little things about her that make her, her.

The girl with the hazel eyes is courageous and out-going. She’s selfless. She’s a risk taker. But has become scared of saying how she feels, because she doesn’t want to feel the way she felt months ago… she doesn’t want to feel the pain. You changed her view of love (from thinking it was something so beautiful that she didn’t have to worry about, to having trust issues, being afraid of someone tearing her apart like you did), the way you so easily thought her eyes were green.

They are hazel.

Her hazel eyes tell a story, her story.

A story of how when she loves someone, she is very trustworthy and cares so much. She is 100% there for you. But they also tell a story of how much it hurts her when people end up lying and leaving her. Looking into her eyes you can see right through her. You can tell whether she is sad when you see tears, and you can tell when she is happy when you see that spark in her eye.

Her eyes tell her story, tell the truth, tell her life. They hold tears of sadness and tears of joy for any given moment. They’ve been through a lot of heart breaks and painful experiences.

But no matter what has happened in her life, her hazel eyes still manage to shine so bright, like her wonderful personality that you chose to let go of.

You lost your chance and will never have it back.

Her hazel eyes won’t light up the way they used to when she see’s you.

Her hazel eyes don’t cry for help anymore.

She’s moved on, and doesn’t love you anymore.

tragedy of living

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The tragedy of living is when people that once were as soft as water become they coldest people because they have been shown coldness, anger, pain, betrayal, and heartbreak. They weren’t shown love or affection. Some grown up with no support and have to learn to grow up independently, not relying on anyone. Some people are scared they will get hurt over and over if they let someone in, so they simply stay as far away as possible and shut people out, to prevent themselves from breaking into even smaller pieces. They become the person that they hated for hurting them or never even being there in the first place, and they hate it… but that’s the tragedy of living.

too much time has passed by

th-4.jpgI was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

irreplaceable 

i promised i’d never replace you…

it’s been three years and i’m still here 

keeping my promise, waiting

waiting, because i don’t want anyone else

you’re irreplaceable to me
no one else can make me feel the way you did

and i don’t want anyone else to ever make me feel that way

it’s been three years

and i still don’t want anyone else, i never will

it’ll always be you that i’ll need

it’ll always be you that i’ll wait for

you’re irreplaceable to me

i’ll always just want you. 

growing up

Growing up I used to hide my feelings. I used to be scared of what people would think of me if I told them how I felt, and if I told them all of the shit I’ve been through. I used to think they wouldn’t want to be my friend if they knew all of the shitty things about my life that had happened to me. But I guess I’ve opened up now because I was tired of holding on to so many things that made me feel miserable and I was tired of making myself pretend like certain things in my life didn’t happen when they actually affected me a lot. I had to face it, face the bad. I was tired of trying to forget about my saddest darkest nights, crying myself to sleep because I wanted the arguing and yelling to stop in the middle of the night. I was tired of trying to act happy all of the time. I was tired of seeing my friends happy with their “perfect” families, but I know everyone has been through something that’s affected them in certain ways and I know nothing is perfect. I couldn’t handle the pain. There was so much confusion going on in my head. So much change. Growing up wasn’t easy. Not knowing who and what to believe and having to lie to protect others. And it felt terrible because I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone that I wanted my life to go back to how it was 9 years ago, I didn’t want people to know every little thing about my life. I’ve acted like everything in my life has been easy, but being honest, it’s still not easy. I still wake up sometimes thinking how my life would’ve and could’ve been if my family hadn’t split and if my parents hadn’t met other people. I think about people in my life that have come and gone and the ones that have stuck around for years, and how it would’ve been if I hadn’t met certain people in my life, how different everything would be. Stuff happens and that’s just life. But I’ve come to accept what has happened in my past and be open to people close to me who care, even if I don’t want to talk about stuff at times because it’ll show me how much some things have changed, for worse or for the better. It shows me how far I’ve come from my past, from the many dark nights, that have made me realize that I am alive and I have overcome hard times.

why…?

why do i love someone who doesn’t care. why do i love someone who doesn’t love me back. why do i do things for people who don’t appreciate it. why do i try so hard for people that aren’t worth my time. why do i want you so bad. why did i love you. why do i still love you. why did i let myself get so close to you, when i knew there would be a possibility of losing you or that you’d hurt me. why did i put so much effort and time into you when i knew i had to go soon and that this wouldn’t last. why did i put the effort in when you didn’t. why did i let you use me and treat me the way you did. why did i fall for you. why did i fall for the things you said to me. why did i try so hard. why. why do i still try to talk to you when i know you want nothing to do with me. why do i fuck up so much. why did i fuck up. why did you leave, what made you leave. why was it so hard for you to be open with me and let your feelings out. why did you say you were done, and then come back, making me think you’d always come back but then you left for good. why do i still cry at night sometimes. why do i still think of you everyday. why can’t i get you off of my mind. why do i want you in my life when all you did was use me and hurt me. why did you say you loved me and why did you say you cared when you clearly didn’t. why did you say you needed me in your life when i see you happy as ever without me now. why. why didn’t you trust me. why didn’t you believe me when i said you were the best thing that had ever happened to me and that i’d never replace you. why did we kiss. why did you get upset when i said the kiss didn’t mean anything, but then you said it just happened and that it didn’t mean anything when i asked you months later. why did you push me away, i knew you better than anyone else did. why did you stop needing me. why did you let go. why did i not try harder. why wasn’t i enough. why do you make me feel like i can’t breathe. why do i still feel the pain after months of being apart. why can’t this just go away now. why does it still hurt so much. why can’t you be here to make everything good again. why can’t we work this out. why can’t you give us another shot. why can’t you see how much i care, how much i still love you and want you in my life, even after everything that has happened. why can’t we just forget the past. why can’t we just start all over. why.

?

one day it won’t hurt anymore

Somebody once told me, “I’ve gotten to the point where I remember but doesn’t hurt anymore.”

I want get to the point where it doesn’t hurt anymore. To the point where hearing your name won’t remind me of us… of all the memories… of all the bad times we had, and that it won’t give me this pain anymore. I want to be able to stop blaming myself for things I didn’t do wrong, but felt like it was all my fault at the time. I don’t want to forget you, but I want to get rid of this sick feeling that comes along when I think of you. I want to be able to hear your name or see you, and not get sad and not hate myself for everything that happened. It’s not easy, it hasn’t been easy at all. There are times where I do think it’s getting better, but it’s because I’m distracted from the the thought of you. I force my mind to tell myself I am okay and that I don’t care, hoping I won’t feel this way anymore, but it just won’t go away. I want to get to the point where I’ll hear your name and I’ll just think of you as a lesson. A lesson to be careful, to make sure I don’t put so much effort in to someone who doesn’t deserve it, a lesson to not let myself fall for everything everyone says, to protect myself from getting hurt, and  a lesson to not get too close too soon. I hope day by day, the pain will slowly just go away. I cared, I loved, I let myself be vulnerable around you, and that is why this hurts so much more. But I’m okay, at least I know I will be, because I realized I don’t need you, you weren’t good for me and that you didn’t deserve everything I did for you.

all the things i wish i could say to you

You left when we were little. You left us because you said you were done. You couldn’t handle it… the responsibility. You left us with no understanding of why you had gone. I know you care, but for many years it didn’t seem like it, because if you had cared enough, you wouldn’t have left in the first place. You left me, you left us heart broken and lost. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t know what this had meant. All because you didn’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to say I hate you, but it’s real close to it. You’re my dad I’ll always love you, but not the way you chose to live your life. My brother doesn’t know what really happened. He loves you so much, but if only he knew the truth, if only he could see what you’re doing, how you’re living and understand it’s not okay. You say I don’t care, and maybe it’s true. I don’t care about you as much as I used to. I used to be sad because you are my dad and I didn’t want to live without you. But now I’m all grown up and I don’t need you as much. But my brother needs you, but if you do what you wanna do, then you may lose your chance and he may lose the chance of seeing you. You hurt us all and sometimes I wish this had never happened. It’s been 9 years, but it still feels like a day ago, when I saw you leave me, leave mom, leave him. Maybe it was for the best because I wanted mom to be happy and all you did was cause problems. You still do. But you should stop. I wish you really knew how I felt, but I always have to pretend because I would never want to hurt your feelings, like you’ve hurt mine. But I hate who you’ve become, and when I see you, I don’t feel like I’m with my dad, I feel like you’re a stranger… someone I should leave in my past.

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