Somebody once told me, “I’ve gotten to the point where I remember but doesn’t hurt anymore.”
I want get to the point where it doesn’t hurt anymore. To the point where hearing your name won’t remind me of us… of all the memories… of all the bad times we had, and that it won’t give me this pain anymore. I want to be able to stop blaming myself for things I didn’t do wrong, but felt like it was all my fault at the time. I don’t want to forget you, but I want to get rid of this sick feeling that comes along when I think of you. I want to be able to hear your name or see you, and not get sad and not hate myself for everything that happened. It’s not easy, it hasn’t been easy at all. There are times where I do think it’s getting better, but it’s because I’m distracted from the the thought of you. I force my mind to tell myself I am okay and that I don’t care, hoping I won’t feel this way anymore, but it just won’t go away. I want to get to the point where I’ll hear your name and I’ll just think of you as a lesson. A lesson to be careful, to make sure I don’t put so much effort in to someone who doesn’t deserve it, a lesson to not let myself fall for everything everyone says, to protect myself from getting hurt, and a lesson to not get too close too soon. I hope day by day, the pain will slowly just go away. I cared, I loved, I let myself be vulnerable around you, and that is why this hurts so much more. But I’m okay, at least I know I will be, because I realized I don’t need you, you weren’t good for me and that you didn’t deserve everything I did for you.