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thoughts, feelings, emotions

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Happiness

just you

it’s just you. no one else. no one else has ever made me feel the way you did… the way you still do. which is probably why i can’t get over you. i know your life is perfect without me now, but can’t you remember when it was just us two? you can’t say it didn’t mean anything and that you didn’t feel anything, or that you don’t remember because it was so long ago. i get feelings can change, and i wish mine could about you, so i could move on, but i can’t… it doesn’t work that way. it’s so hard not seeing you, but it’s worse when i do because i want to say all of these things i’m too scared to say to you, that slip out when i’m drunk. i want to be able to go up to you like before and have everything feel right again. but it can’t be like that and it hurts when i see you from across a room knowing i’m close but can’t do anything about it. a lot has changed. i have changed and sometimes i look back at who i used to be and how i used to act, and i realize… i don’t like who i’m turning into. with you i knew who i was and i didn’t have to question everything in my life like i do now. i was truly happy around you, even if things weren’t always okay. now i feel lost. and i know i should be happy on my own and not need you, but i miss you. i miss the closeness we had. i miss being attached to someone who cared so much about me. but things got taken for granted, and i took you for granted knowing we would always fix things and get through whatever. but there was only so much we could do until we just had to stop. we hurt each other and i hurt you. it was never my intention to hurt you by doing the things i did and saying the things i said. i would never want to hurt you but i feel bad for all the times i did. i miss you, just you. it was different with you, just you. i can’t explain it, i can only feel it, feel that something was different… a good different kind of feeling i’d never felt with anyone else but you. just you.

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her pt. 2

don’t worry about her. it’s not your place anymore. let her be. let her do what she wants, because she’s no longer yours and you made the decision to move on so soon and be with someone else. worry about that person. but don’t come into her life and tell her to think about you before she does things, because she shouldn’t have to. she isn’t yours for you to decide what she can and cannot do with her life. yea she thinks about you, but not because she’s worried about what you’ll think of her or what she’s doing to make sure you don’t get mad, but she thinks about you because she simply cares and misses you, even while you’re off with someone else who isn’t worth your time, when you could have HER. don’t you see it? i hope one day you realize that you missed your chance to try again, to love again, and be happy with HER again. her. the one you once loved and maybe still do love, the one who you thought you’d be with forever, the one that made you feel complete and alive. she’s waiting and would drop anything to be with you again. that’s when you know she should be the one, when she puts you and only you above everything else and waits and cares even when you’re not together anymore. she still wants you. she is the one and maybe will forever be the one but you’re too caught up in everything else to realize it. the heartbroken girl needs you and only you to make her happy. because even when she’s surrounded by groups of people, you’re the only one on her mind, the only one she wants to be with to make that moment mean something. you are her happiness. you are and maybe will forever be her everything.

see you again

i never would’ve thought that i’d ever get the chance to see you again. i mean i had a little bit of hope left, but a lot of time had passed since we had spoken and actually had an actual conversation, so i just didn’t see my chance coming at all.

thing is, now that i do have a chance and a new year, i don’t know what i’ll say to you and what you’ll say to me. i don’t want to mess it up this time because i still care as much as i did these past two years. i waited and waited, but not for nothing because i know i’ll get to see you.

i know things wont go back to how they were, but i hope we laugh a little and start to patch up a few things from the past, move on from it all and start over. i know it wont be easy, it never was, but it’s all worth it tome. you’re worth it to me.

her.

f41511aa-d683-473b-9fad-c25911c3ecf4she’s moved on. she’s happy. of course you want her happy. but you hate that she’s happy with someone else that isn’t you. it hurts, hurts like hell. you think about her all the time. you try to move on, but it isn’t the same. you want her back. you miss her and she knows it… she doesn’t mean to hurt you, but she is and it’s killing you inside. you want to see her and be with her and do all of the things you used to do with her. you say it’s different with her and no one makes you feel the way she made you feel. some would say you’re lucky to have been able to feel that much happiness with someone you loved… and still love. but of course because you were so happy, the pain hit you harder than ever because you fell so hard for her. it’s a big change going from being with the one you love everyday talking, laughing, hugging, holding hands and laying together, to not seeing her anymore and not being able to do anything about it because she’s moved on. you wonder if she thinks about you. how could she not? just because she’s moved on doesn’t mean she’s forgotten everything. but you wish you could move on and not think about her, like she did so easily. you wish she wasn’t so amazing so you could just forget her. but you can’t forget. and you don’t want to forget all of the feelings she made you feel. you never knew you could even feel this much, and now you miss it all. you can’t force someone to be with you as much as you’d want to. you can’t change how someone feels about you. and it’s hard to stop feeling for someone. you love her and maybe you’ll always love her. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to live your life and try to be happy too. it takes time, it’s not easy, but one day you’ll wake up and you won’t feel as hurt, you won’t be as sad anymore, and you’ll realize things happen for a reason. you won’t forget everything you went through, you’ll always remember. but it won’t hurt as much to remember all of the memories as time passes… in the end it is her loss, because she lost someone who fell in love with every single little thing about her, she lost a person who would do anything and everything for her, and she lost someone who cared and loved her more than anyone has ever loved her. she lost you. she was the lucky one.

what i want

i just wanna do what i want. i want to go out and explore. i want to go out and have fun. i want to live. i want to take risks. i want to do so many things but i can’t. i always have people telling me what to do, saying i can’t do this, i can’t do that, i can’t go here, i can’t go there. people always asking where i’m at, worrying about me, and not letting me do things because of stuff they’ve heard happen. i know they are trying to protect me, but how am i going to know if i can make it in this world if they keep treating me like a child. i’m not five anymore, i’m eighteen. these are supposed to be my teen years before i graduate and jump into the real world with more responsibilities. i don’t want to live my life scared of everything. i just want to make my own decisions without having to ask. it’s so hard to plan every little thing. i want to be able to just get in the car and drive where i want, and go out last minute. it doesn’t feel like i’m living if i have to stop and plan every single thing i want to do. i just want to go with the flow for once. do things differently.

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it’s okay to not know

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m going to do in this world. Who I will end up with. Where I will end up. If I’ll be happy wherever I may be. I don’t know. It’s all a mystery. But I feel like I should know at least what I want to do by now. But I don’t. It scares me. I am worried that I won’t succeed and that I will let everyone that believes in me, down. I’m trying, but I know I could try harder. So many distractions: people, drama, work, heartbreaks, loss, stress, pain. So much is in the way and sometimes it is hard to overcome everything that is trying to push me down. But I should know that these are all tests pushing me to only work harder. I still have time. I don’t have to know what I want to do right at this moment. But I hope I figure it out soon and I hope I love whatever I end up doing with my life. But most importantly I hope I am happy with myself and my decisions

don’t forget

 

images-1Don’t forget. Just because you’re gone, just because you’ve moved on… doesn’t mean you can just forget. There’s too much to forget. Too many memories. I know I can’t forget. I think about all of the little things we used to do, every day since you left. Don’t forget the first time we met and how far we came from that day. Don’t forget the times you felt alone and I was there when no one else was. Don’t forget when we’d stay up talking on the phone. Don’t forget when you were sick and I’d come over to make sure you were okay and cheer you up. Don’t forget when we’d hug every time we saw each other. Don’t forget the time when you texted me saying you would miss me the most, more than anyone would miss me and that you didn’t like talking about it because it made it seem like it was all happening so soon. Don’t forget that I knew you better than you knew yourself. All of the things you liked and didn’t like. Don’t forget all of the times we’d just sit and do nothing; those were the best times, because just being with you was all I needed to be happy.

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what’s best for you.

IMG_5696 (1).jpgSometimes you miss someone so bad, but then you also remember all of the things they did wrong, that might’ve hurt you. It hurts to know that that one person you told everything to, is no longer that person. It hurts to know that when you need them the most, you can’t tell them you need them because they are no longer in your life. It hurts. You may still love or may still care about that person, but you know better, or at least you should know better that it’s best if you simply… move on.

Continue reading “what’s best for you.”

don’t wait

IMG_6306.JPGDon’t wait. Don’t wait until you’re ready, or you’ll be waiting forever. You just need to go for whatever you want to go for. Don’t wait to take a risk. Don’t wait to tell people how you feel. Don’t wait to tell someone you love them. Don’t wait. Say what you need to say. Get it off your chest. It’s better to let out how you feel now, then stay silent and wonder what could’ve been, and how your life could’ve changed if you had just taken that risk… that chance… that one moment… to just speak from your heart. Don’t be afraid to take a risk and try something new while you have the chance. Do what you love. You don’t want to run out of time and then regret not doing whatever it is you wanted to do. You might miss out on something great, on something that could make you the happiest you’ve ever been. So, don’t wait. Never wait. You may think you have all the time in the world, but life keeps moving on day by day, people come and go, opportunities don’t always happen, and time keeps ticking. So before it’s too late, say what you need to say, do what you need to do, and don’t wait.

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