img_0438My hands are cold as I’m trying to type. But… my heart is cold too. I can’t feel anything. I can’t feel my emotions anymore. There’s a void in me but I can’t figure it out. I’m stuck, I’m cold. I act like everything is okay, but something’s wrong. I used to feel, in fact feel too much. I used to hold in my feelings and let them out at night wanting my feelings to stop. I used to fight so hard to keep people in my life and make sure everyone I cared about was happy. I used to put everyone else before me. But now when I think about things, or people that have hurt me or pushed me away. I think about how much things have changed… how much I’ve changed. I’m not the same person that I used to be three years ago, letting people control me and control how I feel. I don’t feel. I don’t feel that pain anymore, but now I wish I did. I used to want the pain to just go away and for me to be happy. But now I don’t feel anything at all. I’m not happy, but I’m also not depressed. I’m just another body in this world trying to figure out what to do with my life. I know people around me care about me, but it’s so hard to show how I feel back to them. I know when to act a certain way towards people and certain situations. Like if someone hurt me, I would act upset or sad, but truth is… I wouldn’t even care anymore if someone hurt me, because I’ve already been hurt. What more damage could someone do to me? I know when to be happy and laugh when I’m surrounded by my friends, but in the back of my mind I know I’m just another person just taking up space in the car when we are on our way somewhere. I don’t feel like I’m really even there in the moment. I just don’t feel. I know I love the people in my life, but I think I say that just because I know I’m supposed to say it and feel it. I know it’s not fair for people trying to be in my life and I just push away or let them in and then mess it up because I tell myself I’m scared of feeling hurt. But how could I even get hurt if I don’t let anyone else even make me happy first? The only way to get hurt is to be able to feel something in the first place. I don’t know what’s wrong. I guess I just closed the door to me feeling anything for anyone that tries to get close to me because of negative situations from my past. I try to make them go away, but I can’t. When I think of the past, I remember feeling so scared, so hurt, so angry. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. But now when I think of the past or someone gets brought up from it, I don’t feel like hiding away and crying, I don’t feel the need to need them in my life. In a way I wish I did. But I know I was hurt and so I just know to tell myself not to put myself in a situation like past ones. I’m open about the past, maybe too open now, sometimes hoping that if I talk about it or make myself look at pictures from when I was happy, maybe just maybe, I’ll feel something once again. But I still feel cold, cold as ever. I just need someone to get through to me, to save me from whatever this is, to make me feel again, and maybe that will change me back into who I used to be…

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