I feel like I’m back in high school sometimes. I can feel myself getting into situations like ones I’ve been in before. You know, the ones where you feel everything is going right and it’s all fun and games, but then all of a sudden everything turns out the way you least expect it. A part of me likes this feeling, because it gives me a sort of rush, but a part of me is telling myself to give myself some space and not get to close to people so soon, so I don’t get hurt again.
I have a hard time with letting people in all the way, and accepting love that is given to me. I know people care about me. I appreciate everything people do, but I don’t want to get my hopes up and in the end, end up being the only one who still cares. Yes, I do tell people things I’ve been through, but I do it in a way where it doesn’t sound so serious, where it makes it seem like it didn’t affect my life as much as it really did.
Sometimes I don’t know who I am, what I am doing, or if I am happy. I tend to go with the flow and surround myself with people all the time so I don’t feel alone. At the same time, I do stress a lot and get frustrated with myself and choose to be alone so I don’t fuck up like I usually end up doing. I want to fill this void inside of me, but it’s too hard, because I know I don’t want to forget what used to be there, what used to complete me and make me feel as high as I could feel. I don’t want to move on.
Sometimes I hurt too much. Sometimes I don’t even really know why I do. I get in this mood where I think negative, and just reminisce. I look back at mistakes I’ve made, I look back at things that didn’t turn out the way I wanted them too, I look back at what used to be everything I cared about and see how much it has all changed. I look back at the past too much. I can’t seem to let go. There is always a song, a voice, a picture, a movie, or a person that brings a memory and vibe I once had, back. I have to learn how to leave things behind, especially things that are unhealthy for me.
People in my past have affected the way I act with people now. Toxic relationships, people who over promise and under deliver too much, people who act nice but don’t actually give a shit, and people who push away for no reason, are reasons why I am the way I am now. I know I always care a lot about others, and I know I tend to forgive too much and give people so many chances just for them to stay in my life, but I know it isn’t good for me. I just don’t understand why I cant stop myself from doing these things.
I want to make others happy. I hate letting people down. I think I try too hard to please everyone, and give myself a hard time if I can’t come through with it all. I’m just a person, a person who wishes she could do everything for everyone. I’m selfless and put everyones needs ahead of mine, because I say it makes me happy. But then why do I always feel lost or sad? I guess I wish people would do the things I do for them, for me, or at least say thank you and appreciate my presence. But then when people actually do care an put effort into me, I worry it won’t last because I’ve been through this before.
I’m always there for people to come talk to me. I mean, it’s what I’d want if I needed someone. I guess that’s why I want to do something with my life that involves helping others and making a difference in someones life. I don’t want anyone to feel abandoned, alone, pushed away, and depressed. I don’t want anyone to be in a situation where they can’t even feel any feelings anymore, and just get so cold about everything because life is too hard for them. It’s sad for me to see or hear people give up and not give a damn about anything because life has fucked them up too much to even care about things they used to love.
I admit, I do feel alone sometimes, even when I’m around people. I admit, I do feel too much, more than I should. I admit, I want people to really show me they care, not just say it. I admit, I need people to actually stay in my life for once, so I can stop having trust issues. But I also admit, that I wish people would want and need me as much as I keep admitting that I want and need them.
There are good things that have happened in my life, but it’s just easier to write when it’s something sad because when I am happy, I’m only happy for a moment and then it goes away. But when I’m sad, I feel like that until everything gets resolved. I tend to usually blame myself for things a lot. Things that I didn’t even do. I need to tell myself that it isn’t always my fault. I can’t give myself a hard time. But I also do own up to the things that I did do and the things I messed up. All I can say right now is, I’m still young and still learning… I’ll continue to make mistakes, everyone does, but I just need to learn and grow.